The Mind of a Child

Hello, I'm Leslie Dudley Corbell and I'm Diane Doucette Matthews.

Welcome to the Mind of a Child.

We're so glad you've joined us for today's episode. Today Diane, we have a question from a listener and it was so sweet because she also included such sweet encouragements to us.

I, yes, I was so encouraged when I read it. I was just, I had a big old smile on my face. So Lindsay, thank you so, so much.

Yes. So Lindsay wrote us and she says, Hi, ladies.

First of all, thank you for all the wisdom and encouragement from your podcast. Please don't stop. I've got a question in the same vein of tantrums that you have been discussing lately. My 20 month old is a hitter. He hits me and my husband daily for things like putting him in the car seat and changing his diaper.

He has even turned around and hit me after falling on the sidewalk. I understand why he hits, limited language skills, big emotions, independence, et cetera. But I have tried all I can think of to stop this. From time out in the crib, saying no, holding his arms down, to flat out ignoring. Hoping this will only be a stage, but I can't help feeling like this is a behavior that needs correction.

Even though he is less than two years old. How do I correct in an age appropriate way? So let's break that down because there are a lot of key things I want to focus on to kind of piece this because people may have different situations that they're, they might take this and apply to. We just pulled one piece out of her question.

So let's break that down for

everybody. Let's say Joey just doesn't want to get in his car seat and he starts hitting. First thing, firmly. But with gentleness, if you can, if you can put those two words together, you want to have authority but firmly say No hitting. And I would look him in the eye. Just look at him in the eye and just say no hitting.

He probably won't respond immediately, but don't let him continue hitting you. Pull back enough That he can't hit you, but that you're close enough to hold him in his car seat so that he's safe. So that he can't get out and pull away, but tell him put your hands in your lap. Same thing, calmly but firmly look at him in the eyes.

Put your hands in your lap. And repeat it, and you'll probably have to repeat it a few times. But as soon as you see him moving his hands maybe in that direction, say, yes, yes, hands in your lap. And repeat it again, hands in your lap. You know, you will last longer than he will last. And so just know that it's gonna take a while.

Repeat it again, keep holding him. And then, when he finally does put his hands in his lap, hook him in, hook him in. And just, you know, say, Great. That is so good that you put your hands in your lap. Now you're safe and then move around to, you know, shut the door, move around to your seat in the front, start the car, make sure you hook in, and then thank the Lord out loud and say, Joey, we're safe now.

We're going to drive home. Dear Lord, please give us a safe trip home. And you've done it with firmness, but authority and calm. You'll have to do it a few times, it's not, this isn't gonna be the only time you're gonna, you're gonna have to do this. That's what we suggest you do. So the first

thing you did, you set a limit.

And you very firmly, calmly just said, no hitting. Right. You may not hit. And so that's the first piece of it. The second piece then, you focused on teaching the child what you wanted them to do instead. And so, in this instance, you told the child to put their hands in their lap. So, giving a direction that focuses on what you want to do helps the child focus on, on that task as well.

And I noticed one thing you didn't do. You didn't say don't hit. Yes. When we say don't hit and use the contraction, it sometimes confuses children because they hear the action word instead, the word hit. Yes. So, you said no hitting or you may not hit. Anything like that.

Yes.

The next piece of that would be to give encouragement.

So when the child started to comply with that, cooperate with that, and put their hands in their lap, you noticed it. You did it. You're doing it. Ah, you're putting your hands in the lap. Yes. So you noticed it and gave that piece of encouragement. And then the last thing that you did was you brought the Lord into it and you prayed for safety.

And that was a beautiful way to close that, because that was the whole goal, to get in the car so that both of you would be buckled in and you'd have a safe trip home. So breaking that into the four steps, it was one, set a limit. Two, give a direction. Three, encourage. And four, give thanks to the Lord.

So that was more specific, but then generally let's talk about what really could be happening when the child's hitting.

So,

you know, when a child hits, it can be because, as Lindsay noted in her question, you know, lack of ability to handle their emotions. Frustration, limited words. Yeah, that's what I was thinking about. Yeah, they're frustrated

and

they can't

communicate it.

Yeah, and behavior is a form of communication.

They're communicating something to you that time.

I

can also think about when children maybe lack the motor control. They're very young and so they may hit and this situation would apply. I'm thinking likely with siblings. Let's say you have a very young toddler and they knock into the other, the older child.

And I know that siblings will often say, Joey hit me. In that instance, Joey may have just lacked the motor control and flailed his arms and it knocked into someone. So you can always think about why did my child hit? What were they trying to? What was the message? As you said, the communication there, what were they trying to get?

What was the goal of that behavior?

Yeah, so we've talked about in the moment. So now let's shift into like, this has happened and you've, you've handled that moment. You've had some teaching, you get home. So let's think of some things that you could do to reinforce that. Teaching and we've, we've included quite a few, we're going to talk through quite a few ideas, but you know, just remember when we throw out all these ideas, you're only going to pick up maybe one or two that are going to work for you and your family.

So first off, I love to just think about. The times you're talking with your two year old, your two year old's really gonna take in more than you think. And I know when my kids were two, I was talking all the time to them. Just conversing, you know, Hey, hey, look, look. And so just talk about what happened.

You know, I know you didn't want to get in your car seat today and you know, you hit, you tried to hit me. You know, there's times when mom and daddy don't want to do things, but we can't hit. What we do is we pray about it. You know, we ask God to give us the energy and the, you know, the will to do it. So, let's just pray right now and then just stop and pray.

That will help more

than you think it will. Bringing it in and placing your experience with it. And just like you said, conversation. Just think of language development. Receptive language is so much greater than their ability to speak. And so, kind of pairing with that then, now we're going to use these conversations, use these times for the next time that we get in the car.

You could prompt the child with that on the way to the car next time and remind them, okay, when we get in the car, you're going to sit with your hands in your lap and mommy's going to get you buckled and we'll be safe. And so preface it, prepare them for that time. So take that with another step of teaching.

You could always take a picture. And I remember a child that I was working with that child really did have some big obstacles in getting the car seat. And so what that parent, and they had repeated times where they were struggling so much, they ended up taking a picture of the child in the car seat and the child with a smile on their face.

And so every time before they went to the car, they said, Hey, here you are. We're getting ready to get in the car seat. And they gave him an actual picture of it. That's sweet. And that helped this child prepare. for that moment and be more cooperative.

Yeah, and like we both said, it's not going to happen overnight, just immediately when you do it once.

And so just the idea of practicing gentleness, you know, just pat mom gently and, oh, this feels so soft, but even playing with Play Doh, you know, rolling it with different pressure, you know, making a ball. causes the child to have different pressure with their hands and rolling out a snake. And while you're doing it, you can even talk about the fruit of the spirit gentleness and hit that Play Doh hard.

That's not gentle. You know, touching it softly. That's gentle.

So another thing I thought about was teaching obedience. I mean, obedience is a It's not something we do naturally. And it's, if you can think about our obedience to the Lord, we obey. Out of love, but that follows the love. At first, our obedience is a practice.

It is. It's something that we do very intentionally. We haven't, we won't naturally do it. And so I think having that with your child and learning, realizing it's something you're going to practice with them. You can play games like Simon Says or Mother May I, or you're practicing obedience and what that feels like and what that looks like and just make it a fun game.

I know that you did that with your children a lot.

Make it fun. Make it rewarding for them. Not that you have to give them anything, but just thumbs up. That's so important for kids.

Young children do lack self control. Yes. And so that really is something, when we think about obedience, that really is something that we're building up in them.

That ability to control those impulses and to start having self control and follow along with what someone is asking you to do or telling you to do. Yes,

yes. It's so fun just last night we went on a walk with our grandkids and we were playing together, stop, go, stop, go. And we were just laughing and cracking up, you know.

So just anything like that is just so fun to practice doing what you're supposed to do, you know, right then and there, controlling your body.

And this next one, we say this all the time, but it's so important to have a good children's Bible. Have one in the living room, have one in the bathroom, even have one in the bedroom, because you know, Bible verses and Bible stories are so good to teach character traits and they may not comprehend everything right then and there, but they know what's being said.

There's a connection there.

Yeah, sweet moments. And so with that in mind, you know, these times can be hard. Moms have a lot of demands and sometimes you may feel overwhelmed by it. If we can help our perspective at that moment and be thankful for those opportunities, and I know that sounds like it's easier said than done, but really thankful for those moments that we can teach our child and raise up.

I think that shift in our perspective helps us. Not feel like we have to fight in those moments, but they're given to us to guide and teach our

children. And that's good because that kind of adds on to what I was getting ready to say. Like you said, just be thankful. And so this one, you know, when something comes up like a new disciplining challenge.

You know, like this one, like the hitting, and then all of a sudden it's just, you know, reared its ugly head. The first thing, it's just natural to go, Oh no, what's going on? What's happening? Something's wrong with my child. Well, if we can pivot and go, okay, wait a second. There's something here that the Lord wants to teach my child and wants to teach me.

That can change our whole perspective there. You know, it's like, okay, Lord, What is it? So we can change to being curious. Okay, Lord, what is it? And what is it? How do you want me to teach this? You know, and it can come through a friend, a podcast, a sermon, you know, just anything that teaching God wants to teach us because he does want us and our children to become more like Christ.

So, I mean, that's the sanctification process. So just that little bit of change, being thankful and just asking the Lord to help.

And so when, when we teach our children these. It can help if we widen our perspective as you're talking about and start thinking what are the underlying heart issues that God is revealing to us, both for our children and for ourselves.

What are some of those heart issues?

And so what was one that you came up with?

We were thinking about foolishness.

Ooh, you know, when I was looking and just, there's over 360 verses in the Bible that refers to foolishness, which surprised me. I mean, I knew it was a big topic, but I didn't know there were that many verses.

Uh, I'm going to read one that refers to children, Proverbs 22, 15a, and it says, Foolishness is bound up. in the heart of a child.

What does that make you feel, Leslie? When I hear that or read that, sometimes it's hard for me, and I think it's because foolishness It's such an insult, it's a derogatory term to my ears, and so that was really hard for me to hear at first, but then I started thinking, well, wait a minute.

Of course children are foolish, they're young, they're immature, they need our guidance. Foolishness then became just an understanding of where children are developmentally. That's right. They're not ready to take on the world. They're not little adults that are just a few feet tall. They need our guidance.

We're not going to call our children fools. No, no. And we're not going to come at them harshly and try to get the fool out of them. But it's, it helps us, our heart perspective, realize that we're going to teach, we're going to train, we're going to guide, we're going to love, we're going to be with them in this process.

Yes, gently. And help, gently, and. Wisely, so that they grow to make wise choices, so that they grow in wisdom. Just like we're hoping we grow in wisdom. That's right,

because there's a lot of adults that are foolish, and I know I'm foolish at times too. So it's a process, but I think it's real important for us.

to be able to recognize foolish behavior and so I was gonna talk about some of the characteristics. Now there's a lot here, but I'm just going to read a few that apply more to when we're younger. A fool spurns a parent's discipline. A fool is quick to quarrel. A fool trusts in themselves. A fool gives full vent to their anger or their rage.

Those are pretty powerful. And then one last one, a fool says in their heart, there is no God. And you know, I always thought that referred to an atheist, but you know, in further study of that, I found out that it's not really referring just to an atheist, but to someone they may believe in a God, but they don't live.

According to his principles or his authority or his wisdom, they just carry on life like he doesn't even exist. And that could lead to a very destructive lifestyle too. So I think it's real important for us to, um, be able to identify the foolishness in our children and to guide them into wise choices.

You know, why? So that they don't live a life of, you know, just destroyed relationships, and in the end, destroy themselves. We have a, a high calling when it comes to, you know, helping our children gently discover their foolishness and to walk according to wisdom.

All of this talk about foolishness applies to that question that we're talking about because there are lots of instances that children daily offer us opportunities in their foolishness, in their immaturity, in their egocentric.

And it might be, you know, hitting because I don't want to get in a car seat. It might be taking a toy from their sibling because I want to play with it and what's yours is mine. Yeah. And not thinking of others.

Yeah. And not even knowingly. I mean, they don't know this. So, it's our responsibility to teach them that this is not the right way to do things.

You know, so yeah, they don't, they don't mean to be foolish. No. It's just their worldview is so limited. It's limited to themselves. That's right. So, you know what? The bottom line here is children need our guidance. They need our guidance. They need our love, our nurturing. I mean, the children need so many things from us, but bottom line, they really need a Savior.

You know, they need to know that Jesus Christ died on the cross for their sins, and not only are we here to train them, but we're really here to direct them to, to our Savior.

I like how you bring that in because we really want our children to know God, to love God and follow God. We're not really just focusing on behavior change.

We are planting seeds for heart change. Only God can change the heart. We want to plant those seeds and grow and develop our children in a loving home with clear boundaries. It's not a one and done. It's not going to just magically happen. We're going to be patient and consistent in our love and our guidance.

That's right. I hear this all the time. It's, it's not a sprint. It's a marathon, going along with that same analogy, uh, stay in shape. Yeah. And how do we stay in shape? We go to the Lord every day and get filled up and make our muscles strong so that we can handle these situations. And we know what to do.

We pass on God's wisdom, not our own, because, you know, our wisdom is, Of the world, not of his, of his wisdom, and that's what they really need.

I think it would be really good to do a second episode. Mm-hmm . Our next episode will probably touch on ways that we can be wise in our guidance. We're gonna talk about authority. And what that might look like.

Our authority or God's authority? Both. Well, I'm looking forward to it. I'll close this in prayer.

Lord, we pray for all the parents that are dealing with discipline issues that seem overwhelming. Lord, we pray that you would give them wisdom and discernment and patience to do what you would want them to do in that particular situation. Draw them close to you and show them how to walk through this issue that would bring you honor and glory and give them peace.

And it's in Jesus name we pray. Amen.

Thanks for listening. Check out our Instagram at the Mind of a Child Pod, or you can email us at the Mind of a Child podcast@gmail.com.