The Mind of a Child

[00:00:00] Hello, I'm Leslie Dudley Corbell, and I'm Diane Doucette Matthews. Welcome to the Mind of a Child.

Hey, we're glad you joined us today. Last episode, we talked about foolishness. Today, we're going to be talking about what, Leslie? Parental authority. Yes. And we're going to look at how sometimes when our parental authority, we can be passive or permissive or we can be aggressive and authoritarian. We're going to look at what those Sound like, and then we're going to really zero in on what is parental authority and most importantly, what is God's authority.

That's right. That's what we'll end with, with God's authority. So we're just going to ask you all while you're listening to think about how comfortable are you with authority? Leslie is going to walk through the scenario that we talked about earlier. My 20 month old is a hitter. He hits me and my [00:01:00] husband daily for things like putting him in the car seat and changing his diaper.

He has even turned around and hit me after falling on the sidewalk. I understand why he hits, limited language skills, big emotions, independence, etc. But I have tried all I can think of to stop this. From time out in the crib, saying no, holding his arms down, to flat out ignoring. Hoping this will only be a stage, but I can't help feeling like this is a behavior that needs correction.

Even though he is less than two years old. How do I correct in an age appropriate way? She's gonna do it in a very permissive way. Please get in the car. Oh, it's not nice to hit. You're making Mommy sad. Do you want to make Mommy sad? Weheheheh, look, Mommy's crying. Do you want to make mommy cry? Do you not want to go to the store with mommy today?

We were going to have so much fun. [00:02:00] I guess I'm not buying you a toy today. What is it you want to do right now? Do you want to go back and play a little bit longer before we go to the store? Hmm. Okay. So that was permissive. Now, Diane, why don't you serve us up an example of an authoritarian or aggressive parenting style?

Come on. Get in the car. Get in the car now. Ok, stop it. Do not hit me. Do you want me to hit you? Ok, just wait until I tell your dad what you're doing. You are just pushing it to the limits. Stop. I said stop. Ok, you're not going to stop? Ok, well I'm just going to make you sit in your car seat. Phew. That was tough.

Yeah, so, we're just. If you're listening to these, do you identify with either one of these examples? So, let's break them down a little bit. Yes, please. Let's do the permissive one first. Okay. That was a little [00:03:00] nicer. Okay. Well, maybe not. Maybe not. Maybe it wasn't really so nice after all. Oh. Tone of the voice was very wheedling, kind of manipulative, um, pleading a little bit.

And I want to point out that the request to please do something that's an expectation is passive. It's not a clear direction and the child really didn't have an option then, but I gave him an option. Mm hmm. It was a non negotiable. Really makes a difference. I really think saying please is okay if you're asking a child to do something that they can say no thank you to.

Right. When we use language like you're making mommy sad, Mm. We're putting a whole lot of responsibility on a very young child. So they're now in charge of our feelings. That's not fair. That's not fair. That's not fair. We are in charge of our feelings, and so to put that on the shoulders of a child is, again, manipulative.

Can kind of try to create guilt in the child, or shame in the child for what they're doing. Another thing I've thought [00:04:00] about is try to introduce rewards. And so when we introduce rewards, like we were going to buy a toy, and we're not now. I know. Now there's that threat of taking away a reward. And so once again, we're trying to manipulate a child into doing something that we want them to do rather than just telling them to do it and helping them do it.

And then let them decide. Do you want to go back inside? Yeah. Giving, I know, like, who's in charge here? That's right, who's in charge? No. Yeah, so that's, that's that one. How about the authoritarian? Oh my goodness. Well, very mean, very aggressive, very sharp and pointed, and then threatening. I'm gonna tell your dad.

And then being, um, you know, even physical. Pushing them into the car seat. And when you think about all those things, that can cause a child to be very angry themselves and stressed and anxious and confused. And then what are they going to do when they get in a situation? [00:05:00] They're going to act out exactly like that.

So there's nothing good that comes out of that situation. Well, actually, there's nothing that comes out of either one of these situations. And they're polar opposites. Yes. So we are going to walk through the, the, in the middle of the road example that's. Really the best of both worlds. Yeah, and I just want to point out, you know, both of those examples, one thing that they lack is confidence and authority.

One example was kind of abdicating authority and giving it to the child and thinking that they had to manipulate the child then to do what they wanted. And the other one was fighting for the authority. So both lacked confidence, both lacked that ability to just stand In authority. In God's authority. In God's authority.

That's right. So let's give some kind of, you know, quickly, give that example. Diane, would you do it? I will. If you want a little bit more on this, we did walk through it more extensively in our last episode. Basically, no hitting. Say it calmly, [00:06:00] with authority, but not unkind. Tell them what you want them to do.

Put your hands in your lap. You may have to repeat that. Don't let that child hit you again. Step away. When he puts his hands in his lap, encourage him. Give him a high five, thumbs up, and then say a prayer. Yeah, that's it. Very simple. Very simple. It may take a little bit longer than that because you may have to repeat it a few times, but very calmly, you know, give him time and be patient.

Yeah, sum it up. One, set limit. Two, give direction. Three, encourage. Four, give thanks to the Lord together. That's right. And that can really play out on really almost any situation. You know, it's not just a hitting situation. Okay, so let's define parental authority. Okay, and I think we're both going to take a stab at it.

Yes, we are. We are. You know, when I think about parental authority, it's something that's very precious, right? It's a precious authority. It's something we do not take for [00:07:00] granted, and we don't try to use it for our own purposes. It's an authority, and I'm going to use a little bit of a different word here.

It's lent to us from God when we are in submission to Christ. I like to put it that way because we don't really have complete authority over the child. We don't have any control, in other words, over what they're going to do. There is someone who has control over that, and that's God. So he has the full and complete authority, but he gives us some of that authority to raise our children and point them to him.

When I think about parental authority. I really think about a servant authority because I am serving God in my authority to the child. It's not for me. It's not for what I am needing in my life. It's really something I'm doing for God. They are His. And He has lent them to us to raise and to point them to Him.

And so that's why I kind of use the word lent, um, here. I [00:08:00] also use that because I want to communicate the idea that As I said, I don't have any control, really, over what the child does, but also, it's not about me. Mm. What the child is doing is not about me. I don't want to take it personally. If they are not meeting the expectation, it allows me to stand outside of that and guide them in a way.

Yeah. And I understand that word, lent. And that's where Leslie and I have talked back and forth on this a lot, but what I would say is that God has given the parent the authority. I look at it as almost a position. We have a position in Christ that He has given us the authority. Kind of like, you know, I think the word is, uh, in my mind, It's almost like a gift that he's given to us and he's not going to take it back.

Whether we cooperate or the children cooperate or not, it's just ours to have and to hold, you know? So let's look at the verse that so many people are familiar with, you know, the Ephesians six [00:09:00] about children, obeying your parents and honoring your father and mother further down in verse four, it says, parents bring them up.

And the training and the instruction of the Lord. So God has given us the authority to instruct them and, and teach them. So we have that authority. That's a privileged position. And that's kind of what you were saying. It's so precious. And we don't want to abuse that. That's the, the problem with talking about authority.

Because when we talk about authority, it can be misrepresented and misunderstood because So often we've seen it abused. We'll be right back after a quick break.

That authority position has been misused in lives. That's not what we're talking about here. It's that loving respect that God's given us that we are to train and nurture and love [00:10:00] and respect our children and to teach them to become more like Christ. What can help us remain in that authority that God has lent and given to us?

That's right. That's right. So the first we would say, just remember that you are in authority. Unlike the permissive example we used. So what do you want to do, honey? You want to go back in the house? No. You're in authority. You've made a decision what's going to take place and you've made the schedule. So you are in authority.

One thing that can help in that is to breathe, remain calm, and pray so that you are standing, you know, seeking help if you are needing help in that moment. You want your face to be relaxed and your body language and your tone of voice to be very calm and to have that. Nurturing, but safe sound to it. And some people have to work at that a little bit more, you know, because when you're tense, it's real and you're rushed or you have to get [00:11:00] somewhere.

It's real easy to kind of give off those, you know, tense vibes and be stern and you don't want to be. So, you know, extra check, that's, that's a good point. And children will pick up on it. Oh my goodness. They pick up on so much more than we even think they do. And then just only give one direction at a time.

We can really overwhelm. You can overwhelm me. But really we can overwhelm kids by giving them too much. And a direction that tells them what to do. Yes, definitely. What to do, not what not to do. And when a child is hitting, you know, as we did in the example, you know, say, I'm not going to let you hit me.

Yes. I love you and know that you love me and remain just out of reach in that moment. So that they can't hit you. But keep them safe. Yeah. Yeah. Keep them safe. Yes. Pray and breathe. Stay calm. And we put that in there at the beginning and at the end because sometimes you have to keep doing it during this moment depending on how the child is in that moment because they may not, they're not necessarily going to [00:12:00] automatically calm and follow along.

So you still want to maintain that sense of, of calmness and sense of peace about you. And Patiently wait, instead of rushing, slow down a minute. Give them the opportunity to do what it is you're asking them to do and give them time. Now let's talk about ways or reasons we may misuse or misrepresent the authority that's been given to us.

We can sometimes give our authority away and be passive or permissive. Sometimes it's because maybe we're thinking we just need a moment's peace. And so I'm going to give in to the demands of the child just because I can't handle That's right. following through. I need a break. And so I'm just going to give in.

And that is going to actually lead to more problems. That's right. Later on. Because they will learn, oh, so this is how that works. I just kind of keep at it, keep at it, and mom gives in. So that little time that you saved just then is going to turn into longer time later. So I would encourage you to. [00:13:00] do this differently.

That's right. And another time it can be because we don't know how to stand calmly in authority. It wasn't what we've ever experienced, what we've seen, how we've seen others do it, how we experienced it as a child. And so, We just do what we do because that's all we know to do. That's right. Exactly the way we were parented or we take the other side and we do everything opposite of how we were parented.

Yeah, and I can see that sometimes parents will give in to the child because like I said they don't know how and they're afraid that they'll be too harsh and so they pull way back and swing to the other side. And they don't know what will really work in this situation. And it didn't work last time when I did this, so I'm going to try something else.

I'm going to try something else. And so it's just, you know, confusion. So, Diane, what was your personal history and relationship with authority when you were raising your littles? Yeah, you can either, like you said, the two, you [00:14:00] can either, uh, fight for your authority or give your authority away. So, I probably fought for my authority, and you know, it's kind of funny when you, when we first talked about it, we put those words, fight for your authority, I thought, well, I didn't fight for it.

I just had it, which is a really awful way to think about it, because I was fighting for it. It was like, you are going to obey, or whatever. Some of my posture was just to. Open my eyes real big and look, you know, them in the eye and just say you are going to do this. So yeah, I definitely fought for my authority.

And of course, if we could go back and change it, I would. But the beauty of forgiveness. God forgives, kids forgive, and thank the Lord. On the opposite, I started out when my children were very young, pretty much trying to manipulate them to doing the things, you know, wheedling them, cajoling them, all of those things, trying to use my nice voice and get things [00:15:00] done.

And the flip side of that is what happens to many parents I've noticed is that when you do that and that doesn't work, then you flip to the aggressive. Mm hmm. And so it's more of a passive aggressive lip lock. I did learn. I mean, it took some practice, and I had to do a lot of praying during it to find that middle ground, that tone that's just clear and plain and simple and full of confidence and full of grace and peace in that moment.

The Holy Spirit delivered that for me. Different situations reveal it to you, how you sound and what you're doing. It's a situation in parenting that I think is very helpful for you to analyze and realize where you're coming from. What side of the road you're coming from and make some changes. So, because you can do it when you remain the Spirit.

And we are sealed in the Spirit. And I'm taking a biblical counseling class right now. And we were reading a verse the other day and I thought, Oh my goodness, [00:16:00] I really want to share this. And because we don't want to grieve the Spirit. We have been sealed in the Spirit. And the verse that we looked at was Ephesians 4, 29 through 32.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. We'll be right back after a quick break.

When we parent in that moment of authority and we're coming more out of our own ideas, out of our own needs. Our own feelings, our own emotions in that moment, we're not in the spirit. The fruit of the spirit is available to us then we can parent with [00:17:00] kindness and gentleness and self control. You know, we were talking earlier about the, you know, privileged present that God has given us this authority to raise our children with love and respect and we're not doing it when we step out and grieve the spirit.

Yeah, and I think in that moment, then we have confidence and we have grace. We're building our children up in Christ according to their needs in that moment. And as you talked about representing our, representing God in that moment, every time we interact with the child, it's a time that we can. Introduce them to the love of Christ.

Yeah. We're either representing God or misrepresenting God. And when we're misrepresenting God, you know, like you said, we grieve the Spirit. And you had said earlier about misrepresenting God, and I thought, oh, that's such a perfect prayer. Just to hold close to our hearts as parents, you know, Lord, if there's [00:18:00] any way that I'm misrepresenting you, show me so I can change.

And, you know, then I thought, you know what, this is really sanctification. This is the, the beautiful process of sanctification. I thought of Philippians 1, 6, where it says, um, he who began a great work in you will complete it to the day of Christ Jesus. And, you know, he does that for us, which is. That's good news.

So he's working that out in us. We can take great comfort in that. Yeah. So when you are, when we are feeling as though we're out of control, we want to pray to the one who is in control. Yes. And that is God who is the authority in all things. That's a perfect transition. Is that where you were going? Yep.

Yep. Yes. Yes. Yes. And I was going to say that, you know, he has given us, lent us. His authority to serve Him with our children. A perfect transition because now we're going to dive a little bit deeper into authority, but God's authority. So of [00:19:00] course, you know, I had to go to the dictionary. Authority. It's the power or right to give orders, make decisions, and enforce obedience.

So if God is the creator, the maker of heaven and earth, He made us in His image, and He is the one and only true God, I think He has the authority. Period. That's God's authority because he did all that. He has the authority over everything. I thought the best way to kind of think through God's authority is maybe ask some questions of ourselves.

First, do we honor and follow what God says about us individually as a family or about the church? Like, like an example, we're his image bearers. So how do we bear his image? Do we obey his word and do we teach our children what his word says and requires of all of us? Yeah, but we can't pass down a teacher to them until we know it.

But if they don't know it, they [00:20:00] can't obey it. And so to teach them, and we talked about that last episode also, obedience is a practice. You need to learn how to do that. And then another one, um, do we live by the decisions and the commandments that God has set out in his word for us. You know, one, um, just to think about the Sabbath, you know, God created us and he knows we need rest.

So are we honoring the Sabbath? And I think you said this in our last episode, God has so wisely put us in the family. The family is the perfect place to begin exploring what this is all about and learning about it. That's right. And the church. The family and the church. You know, if the children are honoring the parents and the parents are honoring God and obeying God, I mean, that's that perfect combination.

I mean, God knew that that was the best way to make relationships work. It [00:21:00] is his authority structure, and he set it up because he knows that it works best for all relationships. And then loving, God's loving authority is a protective grace, and that's where we wanted to kind of, you know, uh, put down a stake for just a few minutes.

Just that whole idea that his authority is really, a protection for us and it's a grace for us that he has given us and that we give our children. So what does that look like? I mean, you think about, okay, it's protection. How does it protect us? Let's think of one. One of the commandments is we shall not covet.

If we have a covetous, coveted, help me there, Leslie. If we have a covetous heart. There you go. If we have a If we have a covetous heart. We will live that out in our families. We will encourage greediness. We will model it. We will be greedy ourselves. We will also be dissatisfied. Yeah. With our own situations.

So that will be the life and the family life that our children experience, that we experience. It won't [00:22:00] be. A environment of love. We're just unthankful for what we have. And that's real easy to get to that situation sometimes. But just to stop yourself and back up and go, No, we are so blessed we have so much, you know.

And so that's a protection. God knows that we have that tendency. Another one is, um, you know, the scripture that says, let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, that no authority has been put except by God. Okay, so think about this one. If, like, obeying the street signs while we're driving. So, let's think if we didn't obey the speed limit or the signs or even the lanes, I mean, can you imagine the chaos out there?

The wrecks and the lives that would be at stake? I mean, that would be awful. So, same thing. I mean, God put that there to protect us. And I think another example is something as simple as God created male and female in his image. [00:23:00] And so when we start questioning that authority and maybe add to that, we sow confusion, we sow destruction for the individual, for the family, for society.

Yes. So God's authority. It's for our protection. You know, we talked about His authority. He has a plan for us. He has a plan for every one of us. He has a plan for this whole story, how it's going to play out. When we walk with that and recognize Him in the authority, there is that peace and that clarity that you're talking about.

You know, I have a, uh, one of the pastors at our church says this all the time, you know, We need to ask the question, who has the right to rule? Is it us? Is it our children? Or is it God? And God has the right to rule.

Are you appropriately representing God as you use your parental authority? Are you surrendering to the God who [00:24:00] loves you and knows what is best for you and your family? Ask yourself these questions and then talk to God about it. It will make a difference in your life and in your children's life. Lord, I pray that you would grant us all humble hearts.

That we may be willing to yield to your authority and father, I do pray that we would be obedient to your word and that we would obey your commandments and we pray all this in Jesus name, amen. Thanks for listening. Check out our Instagram at the mind of a child pod, or you can email us at the mind of a child podcast at gmail.

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