The Mind of a Child

Leslie Corbell: [00:00:00] Hello, I'm Leslie Dudley Corbell, and I'm Diane Doucette Matthews. Welcome to the Mind of a Child.

We're so glad you've joined us today. Diane, something we're going to talk about today is conflict. And conflict, I like to say, is not a four letter word. And something that goes with conflict is forgiveness. It's an essential part of the Christian faith. It is. We have been forgiven. That's right. And so we forgive as we have been forgiven.

That's right. And so, breaking it down forever, we're going to talk about conflict, we're going to talk about forgiveness, and then we're going to close with some possibilities of how you can potentially reduce the number of conflicts.

Diane Matthews: Mm hmm.

Leslie Corbell: Diane, did you know that over the typical day, adolescents report three or four conflicts with parents and one or two conflicts with friends?

Diane Matthews: Yeah. And then also in [00:01:00] preschool, this cracked me up, actually 60 conflicts within an hour at a preschool.

Leslie Corbell: Yeah.

Diane Matthews: Think about this too, every marriage.

Leslie Corbell: It's something we all have to live with and hopefully learn to navigate properly and not avoid it. When conflict occurs, I think it's really important that we lean into it and work through it. Two people rarely see things exactly the same way. I see something one way and you see it another way. I always think about that Dr.

Seuss book about the east going Zacks and the west going

Diane Matthews: Zacks.

Leslie Corbell: Tell us just a little bit about that. It's about two Zacks. One's heading east and one's heading west. And they come to this certain point where they can't. Neither one will step aside and let the other one pass because one's going east and one's going west.

And so they, the whole, the rest of the story, the city gets built around them. The interstate goes around them and life continues and they're stuck. Do they ever get unstuck? No. [00:02:00] So it's a good one. Yeah. For children.

Diane Matthews: I love it. So now we're going to look through a couple examples out of the scripture. First it's out of Matthew 5 and then Matthew 18.

Leslie Corbell: Okay. So this is Matthew 5, 23 and 24. So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you Leave your gift there before the altar and go. First, be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. The next one is Matthew 18, 15 through 16.

If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother, but if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.

Diane Matthews: So, there's a lot there, but if you melt it down to just a few.

Takeaways [00:03:00] that we can look at. This is basically what's being said here. First, we want to go quickly to someone who has something against us or we have something against them. So quickly, but you know, when we think about quickly, we don't want to take anger with us or just a unsettled heart. So we do want to do a little bit of business with ourselves before we go over there, but as quick as possible, go to that person.

And then you want to do it face to face. The first scripture said, drop what you're doing, drop your gift and go to that person. So face to face. And then the other one is a one on one, just one on one, not with other people. And then the last one is if it doesn't work. And that was the Matthew 18, you know, get some help.

Even if it's just another friend or if it just gets more complicated, of course, just seek wise counsel. When our children see us handling conflict like this, they're gonna be more likely, it's a, you know, follow the leader. They're gonna be more likely to do it like [00:04:00] this too. So it's just a good way to show and tell.

Leslie Corbell: So we're going to walk through an example of resolving a conflict with children. We're going to walk through those Matthew 5 principles of quickly face to face, one on one, and seeking help from wise counsel. So set it up for

Diane Matthews: us. So we're at home, and there's Teddy and George, and Teddy goes over to the toy box and grabs this wonderful toy, and he's so excited about playing with it.

He grabs it, and he sits down on the floor, and he's playing with it, and he's so excited. And then comes George, and George wants that toy. And he goes to grab it. And of course, there's some screaming and yelling going on. Teddy keeps the toy, but George is crying. Mom,

Leslie Corbell: what are we going to do? Number one, prayer.

Get my heart right. Try to help my children get their heart right in that moment. They may not be willing to pray with me in that because there may be too much crying, but I'm going to make sure that I walk over [00:05:00] there and pray over them. Dear Lord, please help us solve this conflict right now. Then I'm going to go to George and I'm going to say, George, you would like to have a turn.

You can say, Teddy, may I have a turn, please? Say that now. And so have him say it. Now, Teddy may say no. Still. Probably will say no. Yeah. Yeah. He's probably going to say no. So then the conflict shifts and I'm going to have to help George handle his disappointment and learn to wait until it's time for him to have a turn.

He can also say to Teddy, may I have a turn when you are finished? Yes. And so I can help him say that. And Teddy will say, yes, will you let me know when that, when I may have a turn? Teddy can say, yes, I'll let you know when I'm finished. So you're the wise counsel. I'm the wise counsel. Yeah, number four, which we walked through.

Diane Matthews: You're going to give him the words and the wise counsel how to walk through this. Yes.

Leslie Corbell: Yes. I want to add something here because I think it can also happen that sometimes. Teddy will have that toy, sometimes George will take the toy away from Teddy. Yes. [00:06:00] Often. Let's walk through that one because that will look a little different.

Diane Matthews: Yeah, it

Leslie Corbell: depends on which child is stronger. Yes. So let's say that Teddy had the toy and now George does. Step one, the same way. I'm going to pray and I'm going to pray over them. Dear Lord, help us solve this conflict. So then what I want to point out is Teddy had gotten it first, right? Correct. And so George took it away.

So I'm going to go to Teddy and have him say, I was playing with that, please give it back to me. So I'm going to go to him first because he's the one that's been intruded upon in that moment. Great.

Diane Matthews: Yes.

Leslie Corbell: And then I'm going to walk them through those same steps of exchanging and have them exchange the toys and then continue to work through it the same way.

Diane Matthews: Yeah, give them words. Give them words

Leslie Corbell: to say. And

Diane Matthews: there's going to be some sadness. and you're going to just console them. But that's a great biblical way to resolve the conflict, walk through the [00:07:00] quickly, face to face, one on one,

Leslie Corbell: and you have been the wise counsel. Let's say the kids are a little bit older.

I can also then at that point say, Is there a way that you can play with it together? You can start looking at other options, right? Is it something you can play with together? Do y'all have a system that you wanna use? Who's gonna play with it next? You know, how can we all solve this as a family? That's great.

But you know, Diane, something I think about when we're talking about conflict is that we as adults sometimes, remember I said conflict is not a four letter word, because I think sometimes we as adults think that it is, and we shy away from conflict in our adult lives. And so it's important to know that.

We can handle our conflicts with these same principles and then model

that for our children. We'll be right back after a quick break. I

have a personal example. Being a mother in law

Diane Matthews: has its challenges. There is a learning curve and I love learning how to communicate better. So our family, [00:08:00] half of our family actually, it wasn't the whole family, half of the family was um, out and I spoke before I thought. I said something about eating healthier food during the first meal of the day, during breakfast, and I said too much.

One of my children very appropriately said to stop mom, told me why I should stop. I took that. So hard for different reasons that I was able to think on, but I was so consumed by just hurt. I was burdened. I couldn't think. It was just, there's very few things that just stopped me in my tracks, but that just stopped me.

And I prayed about it, but I just couldn't go any further. I was just thinking about what you said not to do. Just it was all about me.

Leslie Corbell: And I think it's always important because it's so easy for us to do that. Our first response in our broken. [00:09:00] Uh huh. is to take it personally and to see it only as it affects me.

Yes. As God does,

Diane Matthews: he sent wise counsel. And that was you, Leslie. Remember this conversation. We've talked about this. We were working on a podcast and so we had our conversation and in the middle of that we started talking and I shared that I was just struggling with this and you brought up truth. I mean, it hit me between the eyes and my heart and I realized I wasn't looking at it in a truthful way.

I was just so me and you said, okay, look at it from God's perspective. He wants to teach you something. Look at it the other person's perspective. It just freed me. And um, I went to my child. And we talked, and we understood each other, and we forgave each other, and then there was, there was unity. And, you know, that's what happens when you resolve a [00:10:00] conflict.

There's just freedom.

We'll be right back after a quick break.

God desires this unity between

Leslie Corbell: believers for us to walk in love with one another in Christ. This is Matthew 18, 21 through 22. And it's from, if you want to read the whole section with your children, 21 to 35. Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother who sins against me?

Up to seven times? And Jesus answered, I tell you, not just seven times. But 77 times.

Mm hmm.

Diane Matthews: We accept forgiveness from God, and then we pass it on. And then there's unity. In our family, we had a practice that we did with our kids. And actually, Hank and I still do it. And so we did this over and over again.

Please forgive me for blank, whatever the transgression was. And then, I forgive you for whatever. When a [00:11:00] situation would occur, when one of our children would hit the other, or say something unkind, or took a toy without asking, or laughed, this is a big one, when they laughed when another one was hurt, or cheated at a game.

or didn't keep their word, et cetera. Just all those things. We would try to be as consistent as we could. Uh, we would take two children that were involved and either I would or Hank would take them and discuss but walk through what happened. Then we'd do that. And then when they walked through it, it was, you know, give him a hug or a high five and then some kind of restitution if it was necessary.

You know, so like if they took a toy, return the toy. If they broke the toy, well then they were going to have to, you know, take care of that. If they cheated at a game, they would have to replay it. It's just a simple act of walking through just a plan, you know, what it looks like. It's kind of funny when a couple of our kids, when they got married, they're [00:12:00] like, My spouse doesn't do that.

They don't want to do that. It was like, okay, well, you, you know, you still can say, please forgive me for. It's just a practice to know that you're being vulnerable and you know you're asking for a specific forgiveness for a specific transgression.

Leslie Corbell: And I think that's really beautiful. to teach your children to do it this way because forgiveness starts out as a choice in some ways.

It's not that, okay, let me give me some time and I'll get this feeling come over me where I can feel like I can forgive you. That's not how it starts out. Forgiveness is really something we choose to do because we've been forgiven as we talked about. It's a choice. I forgive you because I have been told to forgive you.

If I don't forgive you. That's where the bitterness can set in. We're left with bitterness, hurt, anger, disunity. I was going to say, division. Broken relationships, yeah. I remember when Hans and Madeline were little and it was the sweetest thing. They were downstairs playing and I hear all of a sudden [00:13:00] these angry words come out.

Something gets knocked over and Someone calls someone stupid or something else. You're the worst brother ever or your sister ever.

Diane Matthews: And then didn't take that. Yeah, very

Leslie Corbell: normal, typical things. But then Hans is sitting on the stairs and I hear him say, I had the best sister and now we don't have each other anymore.

And so that's the biggest piece of forgiveness. As you're talking about the restitution, the coming back together. That moment of unity again, that's what God desires for us.

Diane Matthews: Okay, I have a

Leslie Corbell: question. So you said it's a choice. Is it a learned choice? I think it can start out as a learned choice, but as you begin to walk in love with one another, I think forgiveness becomes the natural outpouring of love.

And we're going to get into this in a minute when we're talking about ways to kind of potentially decrease conflict in your homes. The stronger the relationship, the less likely you are to take offense with [00:14:00] someone.

And

Leslie Corbell: the more quickly you are to forgive if there is something that occurs. Let's say you do say that my house is messy.

I love you so much. I mean, we're such good friends that I'd be, well, I guess it is maybe someday and Diane saw it on a messy day. And so what? Yeah, no big deal. I love our friendship. I'm not going to take offense at that. So I think it can start out, and that's why we teach our children to forgive, but it really becomes, yeah, but

it really becomes a natural outpouring of love.

Teach the children, they learn how

Diane Matthews: to do it, but then it's a choice later on from the heart whether they're going to do it or not. So it's the first step. It's just a process. Yeah. Some thoughts about forgiveness. Modeling forgiveness is so important. Yes.

Leslie Corbell: Ask your children to forgive you if something should happen.

You raise your voice,

Diane Matthews: you're

Leslie Corbell: curt, frustrated, something, you know, tell your children you're sorry and [00:15:00] ask them to forgive you.

Diane Matthews: Yes. Absolutely. Even as our kids have gotten older. It's almost become more often, even over things that have happened in the past, present, you know, it's like, Oh my goodness, we didn't really realize what, what we were doing.

Please forgive us. And then, you know, another way is just to remind them of Jesus's love. And that's why he died on the cross. He died for our sins. One thought is, well, how can they accept this forgiveness if they don't know what sins Amen. They have committed. As you read Bible stories to them, that's going to come out.

I don't know if you want to just say, you're a sinner, but you can surely say you've disobeyed and be very gentle and compassionate about that. You know, you can be very thoughtful and compassionate and gentle about that.

Leslie Corbell: Just to kind of hop back to what I said a minute ago, when I talked about relationships, [00:16:00] Cut down the number of conflicts, the stronger the relationship, the less likely you're going to have conflicts.

So, as a proactive way to help your children with this, increase time together with them. Have your older child read a story to the younger child. Have your children work together on a project. Fun times together. Strengthen those bonds. And that really can reduce the number of conflicts that the child has.

And it just, to me, again, I just think this is worth saying again, when we walk together in love as Christ desires for us, when we walk in Christ together, it is an outpouring of the love we have for one another to just forgive and to not be offendable. We can be offended at everything that comes our way if we choose.

But if we can love others and forgive them and cover them with grace, we're covered with grace for everything that we do. Once we're in Christ, tomorrow I might, tomorrow I will sin again. I will do something offensive. To someone, to God, to, that will be revealed to me to repent of in [00:17:00] that moment.

Mm hmm.

Leslie Corbell: But I'm already covered with grace for that tomorrow. Yes. And so I think it's really important to keep that in mind when we're walking together. I love

Diane Matthews: the unoffendable idea. That idea has been lost. Because it's so easy to get riled up and, uh. offended about anything. We don't need to list the things.

But, um, to teach our kids to forgive easily. You know, to be quick to forgive instead of quick to hold grudges. And I think that's what this whole process is about. To be quick to forgive and quick to show mercy and

Leslie Corbell: kindness and love. We're talking about forgiveness and conflict. Be proactive to teach our children, teach them what it means to love God and to love others.

And really break that down and have them talk about what is it to love your sister or to love your brother? What are the things that you do to love one another? Maybe it's, you know, sharing. Maybe it's taking [00:18:00] turns with one another or asking for turns or playing together or helping one another. So we can talk about the ways that we love one another and really put that in their minds.

As we close, just think about how are we, do we keep Christ at the center of our day? How do we bring that perspective in? When we do have conflicts, how quickly can we forgive and how do we teach our children to do these things? Choose something to maybe model for your child, teach your child, and above all.

Another thing that helps us with conflict and with forgiveness is to every day give thanks to God for the relationships that you have. For the joy that you have with each other and for his faithfulness in that

Diane Matthews: Lord You want us to live at peace with all people if possible if there is anyone listening who is struggling with?

Forgiving someone I pray that you would give them the perspective they need to be able to do this We [00:19:00] also pray for the children We know and love and for all the children that you would teach them to be quick to forgive their parents their friends their family Thank you, Jesus, for dying on the cross so that we may receive forgiveness.

In Jesus name. Amen.

Leslie Corbell: Thanks for listening. Check out our Instagram at the mind of a child pod, or you can email us at the mind of a child podcast at gmail. com.