The Mind of a Child

[00:00:00] Leslie Corbell: In this episode, we're discussing family relationships and things that can make them complicated, such as different parenting styles between spouses, blended families, setting boundaries with extended family and unbelieving spouses. We hope you enjoy the conversation.

Hello, I'm Leslie Dudley Corbell. And I'm Diane Doucet Matthews, welcome to the Mind of a Child.

Communication brings clarity. Mm-hmm. Lack of communication complicates.

[00:00:37] Diane Matthews: Yes. And really healthy communication brings clarity because there could be communication that's not real healthy and it really doesn't bring much clarity. So today we're gonna talk about some different relationships that could be complicated.

So let's get started

[00:00:53] Leslie Corbell: on these. We're gonna go through several questions. Mm-hmm. Our first listener question is. Parenting on the united front. So [00:01:00] someone wanted us to speak about the husband and wife relationship. To better raise a child. And you

[00:01:05] Diane Matthews: know what? I think this is a perfect one to start with because there's so many parents that start out and they think they're on the same page with parenting, and then they start going into it and they're like, whoa, we really do think differently about this.

So. Before we go into how to get on the same page and united on the beliefs, let's talk about why it's so important. I looked at a few different studies, three or four things that can come up if you argue about your parenting techniques in front of your kids, and one is emotionally the kids will get very unsettled.

Another thing is the kids feel, they feel unsafe. You know, they don't feel safety with you, and that's what you want them to feel as safe. And then this last one really surprised me. And this can be very damaging. They can lose trust in you as a parent. [00:02:00] So, backing up when these issues happen, I'm gonna suggest, or we are gonna suggest a few things instead of arguing what you can do instead of that.

So let's think about these suggestions. First off, when an issue happens, write it down. I don't know about you, but it's easy to forget them. And then it happens again and you go, oh my goodness. So right. When there's a roadblock in the parenting and you're thinking different ways, write it down and then find a time.

Make it a priority time. Even if you have to have a date night, make it priority that you're gonna discuss this issue. And I'm sure you're gonna have more issues too, but make it priority. And if that's not working, invite a couple into your life that you trust that can help you work through these issues.

And I know when we, when our kids were younger, they had parenting classes at our church that we signed up for. We signed up for every parenting class that was there. But it gave us the opportunity to discuss [00:03:00] the issues that we were. Facing right then and there, but also issues that we were going to experience.

And we heard other parents talk about issues that they were going through, so that was so beneficial. And then when you discuss it, this is really important too. When you discuss it, ask the Lord to give you and your husband a teachable heart because you're doing it for your family to benefit your whole family.

[00:03:23] Leslie Corbell: I mean, you're, you're right. So I can see that there are many benefits to being on the same page. What specifically are some

[00:03:31] Diane Matthews: number one, I, I just mentioned it, it's gonna benefit the whole family, just the piece. But think about how it creates a unity between the husband and the wife. You know, they have the same plan that worked through it, and they've discussed these issues.

It limits. Conflict and irritations between the husband and wife, and then they have a plan so they can focus and stay calm during difficult parenting moments. You know, if you have a plan, it's easier just to kind of take a deep breath and go look at each other and go, [00:04:00] okay, we can do this. We know what we're supposed to be doing here.

We do have the authority to carry this out. And then think about, you're given a clear instruction to your kids, and then if you are delivering a clear message. Then they're gonna be able to interpret it and know what's expected of them. That's very beneficial. You're setting your child up for success.

[00:04:23] Leslie Corbell: Yeah, I can see how having a shared goal like that mm-hmm. Would just be so helpful.

[00:04:27] Diane Matthews: Mm-hmm.

[00:04:27] Leslie Corbell: You know, with that was a question about, well, sometimes spouses are on different pages, and so how can we work together to be on the same page? We had some ideas about some helpful parenting styles that we can talk about and that could help with conversations between spouses.

So Diane, why don't you, uh, start with them?

[00:04:50] Diane Matthews: Well, there's four classic styles and it's the authoritative, the authoritarian, the permissive, and then the [00:05:00] neglectful. Leslie, you start with the authoritative.

[00:05:03] Leslie Corbell: Yeah, so authoritative parenting style. This is the one that I always tend to think of as the, the one you're trying to reach.

It's marked by clear communication. Mm-hmm. Maintaining and or setting and maintaining consistent boundaries and limits, teaching the child, following through, being responsive. Mm-hmm. And I like to think of, here's an example of what that might look like, sound like. So let's say that Diane needs to put her shoes on.

[00:05:32] Diane Matthews: Mm-hmm.

[00:05:33] Leslie Corbell: A parent who is an authoritative parent would say, Diane, put on your shoes. Just a clear direction, calm, voice neutral. And then if Diane were a little late in putting on her shoes, the parent would then. Support Diane in getting those shoes on. She wouldn't try to force Diane to put her shoes on.

She wouldn't manipulate her into putting her shoes on. She would just stay calm and help Diane get her shoes on.

[00:05:58] Diane Matthews: [00:06:00] Mm-hmm. Uh, the next one on the list is the authoritarian. Woo. This one's, um, pretty harsh, strict. Rules, regulations one-way. Communication. It's kinda, you know, like the parents talking at the child and not with the child.

The relationship is pretty minimal, I think of the quote. Rules without relationship, equal rebellion. So, uh, it's really power and fear. That's how the, the parent would control their child in, in this situation.

[00:06:36] Leslie Corbell: And it ends up being really aggressive. Yes. When you think about an authoritarian Yes. Parenting style.

Yes, definitely aggressive. And so the flip side of that, that I think is also under that umbrella is when a parent is passive aggressive and they try to manipulate the child into doing whatever. Whatever it is. And so that might sound something like Diane needs to put her shoes on, and the parent comes in with [00:07:00] something like.

Diane, I need you to put your shoes on. And I see this all over Instagram. I know different influencers and parenting people saying, here's your phrase, tell your child, I need you to stop doing something, or I need you to do something. I worry that people are setting themselves up for a little bit of a passive manipulation, passive aggressive style.

Mm-hmm. 'cause you really don't need the child to do it for you. The child needs to do it for themselves, right? In learning their boundaries and how to maneuver within those boundaries, how to live within those boundaries. And so I really think that when you give a direction, it's a direction for the child.

[00:07:37] Diane Matthews: Well, and I love that you're really pointing that out. Because you can slip into that without even, you know, meaning or knowing that it's manipulative. You know, it's just like, oh, I, I need you to go do that. Mm-hmm. Well, no, it's really communicating something that is not helpful for the child in the long run.

So the next one is permissive,

[00:07:58] Leslie Corbell: and the permissive parenting [00:08:00] style is one that is really marked by the parent, just letting whatever happens, happens. Maybe the parent gives too much choice. Maybe the parent tries to avoid conflict. They're just trying to be the friend. Mm-hmm. They're not really setting boundaries and children really do want boundaries and so that might look like something, maybe Diane wants a cookie before supper and the parent might, you know, that might say, now, Diane suppers in about 10 minutes, no cookies.

Well, Diane just kind of reaches on the counter and grabs the cookie and the parent just looks the other way because they're either too tired, don't wanna deal with it. Mm-hmm. It's too much of a fuss and they just continue on and let Diane have the cookie. Yes.

[00:08:42] Diane Matthews: Well, and if you think about that, they're tired, maybe, or you know, they just don't wanna deal with it, like you said, but you're not parenting for the future.

So the next one is neglectful. Another name for it is [00:09:00] uninvolved or absent. You're neglecting them emotionally, socially, academically, even spiritually. I think of the parent who is there with the child, but could have some health issues or maybe an addiction or a mental health issue. It could be a very harmful style of parenting.

[00:09:24] Leslie Corbell: Yeah. And that's tough. And like you said, there are many distractions. I mean, you think about cell phones and you know, things that we miss children's cues. It's really not responding to their cues for their needs. Their needs. That's right. Yeah. Their needs. And Diane, when we talk about all these parenting styles, and like you said, those four have been around for decades.

Mm-hmm. And there's always new ones, whether it's gentle parenting or the. Blank. A FO, which I can't even can't, don't wanna say it. Can't even, I can't even get behind the name of that know, because you just think about the heart behind it. And so these parenting styles, they're really describing the [00:10:00] behaviors.

Mm-hmm. Parenting behaviors. And what we're really looking for is what's in the heart mm-hmm. Of the parenting. Mm-hmm. And I think that's someplace where biblical parenting comes in and starts really addressing the heart. Behind the parenting. That's where we need to focus the most. So when, when I think about that, when I think about a biblical parenting style, it's in the spirit kind and compassionate with humility.

Mm-hmm. And gentleness and patience rooted in truth, seeking the word for wisdom. It's really that when we're in Christ, I really believe that God is using those moments. For our sanctification. So when we're parenting our children, it's not really about their behavior only, it's really about their heart.

It starts

[00:10:48] Diane Matthews: here, you know, our heart, and then we're influencing their heart. Uh, going back to the four classics, authoritative, authoritarian, the neglectful [00:11:00] permissive, how can they benefit us? I think we need to ask the questions. Have we slipped into some of those behaviors? And if we have, why? And how do we need to get outta that?

Because if we don't know, we can't really change.

[00:11:17] Leslie Corbell: Absolutely. And I think we can throw in two more questions to ask ourselves, how do my actions reflect God's character?

[00:11:23] Diane Matthews: Yes. And

[00:11:24] Leslie Corbell: really get to the heart of that. And am I regularly studying God's word? Hmm. Or sitting under a biblically sound. Church. Yes. That really helps me grow in wisdom and stature.

Taking all these questions as you're talking with your spouse about parenting Yes. Would be so beneficial.

[00:11:43] Diane Matthews: So the next question is about blended families. Both my brothers, they raise their family, their kids in blended families. But it's a hard situation 'cause you, you have to be very sensitive to the children, the [00:12:00] teenagers, the babies, the parents.

I mean, there's a lot of communication

[00:12:05] Leslie Corbell: that needs to take place. Well, I think you started it. Right. Where I would start is that communication between the spouses is so important. Mm-hmm. Think about it, you may be coming to this blended family with different perspectives on parenting and what that looks like.

Mm-hmm. And so immediately starting to talk about that would be important. There are two specific elements that I think are important that would wanna talk about compassion and discipline. Here's when we talk about being sensitive. So here's the part that I really wanna be sensitive about. Compassion helps us understand that entering into this new blended family very likely is gonna be very hard for the child.

I think it requires us to have a lot of humility and a lot of of grace going into that and realizing this is a difficult situation for them. Very likely they may have a desire for their parents to be reunited. Yes. If that's, if that's possible. Because not all [00:13:00] blended families, that's even a possibility.

I mean, there's death, there's divorce, there's all sorts of things. Right. But if that was a possibility, and even there could be some desire for our family to come back together. Right. And now it's not. If a parent has died, there could be still lingering mourning going on. So I think it's just really important first that we bring compassion into this, which means that we're gonna remember that behaviors are often just a message from a child trying to express their sadness or maybe some disappointment or something that they're working out in their heart.

And so the more that we can come together and help that child with that. And not take anything personally, not get ourselves interjected in the middle of it, but really help the child is gonna go a long way in blending this family.

[00:13:44] Diane Matthews: Hmm.

[00:13:45] Leslie Corbell: When I was reading about blended families, one of the things that I saw recommended was that the parent of the child, the birth parent of the child, not the stepparent, take care of the discipline.

[00:13:56] Diane Matthews: Mm-hmm.

[00:13:57] Leslie Corbell: And the more I thought about that, I thought, well, that [00:14:00] doesn't really go with God's plan for family. You know, this is another family unit that we're trying to build and so starting off with disunity mm-hmm. Probably isn't, is gonna be more complicated.

[00:14:13] Diane Matthews: Right.

[00:14:13] Leslie Corbell: So it's so important for the husband and the wife to come together and talk about how they're gonna handle that and work on it together.

[00:14:21] Diane Matthews: Yes.

[00:14:21] Leslie Corbell: So with that being said, that means that the new parent is really gonna be focused on building relationship with the child. And really spending quality time with them, being responsive to them. Mm-hmm. And really focusing on that relationship. And so I think that's really important to, to think about.

I think that's

[00:14:39] Diane Matthews: very important. Maybe the biological parent be the spokesperson, but have the other parent there with them when they're discussing very compassionately or whatever. Mm-hmm. But just the communication being together

[00:14:53] Leslie Corbell: and, and I think it's, it's also okay for the new parent to set those boundaries and to give directions and to be involved in the discipline [00:15:00] too.

Absolutely. But you're just gonna check your heart always. Am I coming to this with patience and kindness and gentleness and humility, um, in order to help this child? Gentleness? Yes. Gentleness? Yes. And I grew up in a blended family, so there are some things that come to mind when I think about children.

I'm gonna say it again. Communication is important. Giving the child those expectations of the household right upfront. Is very important and helping them learn the expectations. You can't just assume that they know the expectations of this household. Mm-hmm. And so you wanna communicate it to them and work with them on that.

I think it's important that the child doesn't live in the home, that an area of the home be. Whether it's a bedroom or part of a bedroom, if they're sharing with a, a step sibling or something, that they have an area in that house that is theirs, someplace where they can have their special belongings someplace that is, is always maintained for them.

Yeah. You don't want that child to feel like they're a guest [00:16:00] every time they come visit to the home. Yes. And I think with that comes jobs give them jobs to do chores around the house, so they feel like they're a valued member of that family. Mm-hmm. And that they're contributing to it. It's. Going to be very important again for that new parent to be building relationship with the child and just to keep being responsive and maybe find times for you to spend together.

[00:16:20] Diane Matthews: Yeah. Spending time together. Definitely. What about going to church together and holidays?

[00:16:25] Leslie Corbell: Yes. What about holidays? Oh, well I, I'm glad you said about going to church 'cause Yes, let's get that church, you know, the family going to church together on Sundays, but holidays. Yes. You know, one thing that I appreciate about my stepmother is that, you know, I think it's important to ask.

The children about these new traditions because it can be hard when traditions are changed now, and so bring them in. If they're old enough to talk about how we're gonna handle the holiday, what are some things they would like to do? One thing that my stepmother did was create this new. Family gathering.

And so it was the Dudley family Christmas. And so we have all of these [00:17:00] wonderful games and prizes and things that we play every year and everyone comes together. So we have a wonderful time and we look forward to it. And so I think that's important, you know, start something new. Mm-hmm. With the family.

Just a reminder to always speak of the other parent of the, of the child with great respect and care, especially in front of the children.

Just a note of encouragement for the stepparent. You know, you really are feeling a unique role. You're not replacing a parent, and I know you're not trying to, and so going with this attitude of I'm creating a new I'm in addition to in this family, that's a, a lovely role to play too. Embrace it, you know, if you can embrace that role and enter into it, into a very godly, loving way.

Hmm. You'll take wonderful strides towards blending this family. I

[00:17:55] Diane Matthews: love that. Mm-hmm.

[00:17:56] Leslie Corbell: You're

[00:17:56] Diane Matthews: sweet stepmother. She did a good [00:18:00] job. Even with the holidays. Maybe I should get some, some ideas for games. Oh, it's fun. It's so fun. That's so fun. Yeah.

[00:18:07] Leslie Corbell: So the next question that we have is how can we navigate boundaries as a parent?

When a family member tries to cross them, this is another one that can be

[00:18:17] Diane Matthews: complicated. It can be, it can be hurtful, you know, one way or the other. Because when you talk about boundaries with parents or just relatives, it almost sounds hurtful just from the very get go, I think going into this. My first thought is relationships are the most important thing, like what you're talking here, even in the blended family.

To be compassionate and gentle and consider, consider feelings, be a good listener. There are different factors. So I would, I would list the boundaries. I'm gonna list some right now. One of the things to think about is how far away are you with this member of the [00:19:00] family that you're talking about? Do you live in town?

Or is that family member out of town? Do you see them often or do you not see them very often? Uh, do they understand the boundary? Have you made it real clear to them what the boundary is that you want, that you're talking about? Why are they continually trying to push the boundary? So those things you need to consider when you look at it.

Well, they're just pushing the boundary. Well, let's, let's understand why. Have you ever experienced anything like that, Diane? Yes. Yes, I have. And you and I have talked about this situation. My family lived out of town and so we had to travel and we did. We loved going to go see them. We, we did it twice a year and we would take all four the kids down there, but when we got to my mom and dad's home, she had it set up for fun, and the way she described fun was.

Candy [00:20:00] was everywhere. Sugar was at eye level. Sweet sodas were at eye level. And anything you asked mama was Yes, yes, yes. And Mama knew that me. Diane had pretty firm dietary rules and limited sugar and uh, bedtime. You know, it was pretty routine ish, so those boundaries did not last there when we went to go visit my, my mom, but I had to consider some things.

That was the only way my mom knew how to love my children. So if I made those boundaries, like the law. It would've crushed my mom and it would've put a wall between me and my mom and my dad, so it wasn't worth it. We were 15 hours, 12, 15 hours away. Didn't see him very often, so that was a [00:21:00] whole different situation.

Now, if they would've lived in town, they would've been a whole different scenario. So what are some suggestions you have for

[00:21:08] Leslie Corbell: how parents can move

[00:21:09] Diane Matthews: forward? Well, yeah. First off, you and your husband need to be on the same page. And so after talking about it and thinking through it clearly and praying about it, you need to call if it's your parents or in-laws, whatever, call them.

If ask to spend time with them, say We need, we need to discuss something with you and have that time without the children. Don't have the children around to hear what, what's being said. Give them the benefit of the doubt that you maybe haven't communicated it as clearly as it should be, and you just want them to understand and that your values as a family have not been held up to the standard that you want them Ask questions, have them ask questions.

Have a very hopefully. Cordial meeting with them. Then if it doesn't, if [00:22:00] they're angry, rebellious, and just unkind, you need to step away. Try to leave there as calm as possible. Don't say things you you're gonna regret. Go back home, pray about it, and try to reengage. But know that you're probably gonna have to draw a line and a boundary that's not gonna please them, but you're still going to have to, you and your spouse are gonna have to take a pulse.

Keep communicating with them. You wanna keep the lines of communication open. 'cause the relationship's the most important thing. That's what God wants us to keep intact. You know, that's the, that's the way I would handle

[00:22:36] Leslie Corbell: that. Well, our last question that we had was, how do you parent with an unbelieving spouse?

Hmm. You know, it is so much easier when both parents are believers. That is God's desire. Yes. And his perfect plan for marriage and for families because it puts him and it keeps him at the center of it, [00:23:00] and he is what we lean on. But you know, that isn't always the case. There are spouses who are married to unbelievers, and so the first thing I'd like to say is.

Let's just give thanks that If you're listening to this and you are a spouse of someone who is unbeliever, but you are saved, let's just stop for a minute and give thanks for that. Because whether you came to Christ before you got married or after you got married, you were already victorious in Christ.

You have hope in Christ. So with that, just live in the hope and promise that Christ is bringing to you right now. Not in worry or in fear, and be obedient to the command to bring your children up in the instruction of the Lord. That's all you have to do. Take them to church. Disciple them yourself. Mm-hmm.

Pray for them. Pray for your spouse. It's not your responsibility to [00:24:00] change your spouse's heart. That's God's will and the work of the Holy Spirit. So you can release yourself from that, but pray for your spouse. Mm-hmm. That they would have the scales, take 'em from their eyes that they would believe, but all you can do is live your life in obedience.

So, mm-hmm. Trust in God, rely on his plan and his will and his provision. He is a sovereign God and so have faith and know that he will use your life to accomplish his will and never lose heart.

[00:24:32] Diane Matthews: That reminds me of a couple of verses, Galatians six, nine. Let us not become weary of doing good because that's what we're called to do.

Just keep doing it every morning, just wake up and do the same thing. Do what's, do what's right, do what's good, please the Lord in what we do unto the Lord. And that's Colossians 3 23. Whatever you do, do your work hardly unto the Lord, not unto men, and God will reward you for those things. So yeah, that's a hard [00:25:00] calling.

But. That will please the Lord and he will reward you. All these questions have been based on a scripture that you and I have talked about on unity. We're trying to bring unity, uh, in very complicated and. Hard sometimes relationships. And the verse that we had picked to help us think through this was Philippians two, one through three.

So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love being in full accord and of one mind, do nothing from selfish to ambition or cons. Seat, but in humility, count others more significant than yourselves.

[00:25:56] Leslie Corbell: How do we do all this? How do we find [00:26:00] unity and challenging relationships? You can look horizontally at all of these suggestions that we've offered, and we pray that they are helpful to you, but we encourage you most and first to look vertically to God. It is the grace of the gospel that unites us in our relationships.

God is using all of these relationships that we're talking about to shape and sanctify us. You know, if you go down a few more verses in Philippians and Philippians, it's probably one of my favorite books, but if you go down to Philippians two, 12 through 13, after speaking of the humility of Christ, Paul goes on to write, therefore.

My beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now not only is in my presence, but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling for it is God who works in you both to will and to work for his good

[00:26:52] Diane Matthews: pleasure. Lord, we just thank you so much that, uh, you wanna sanctify us and you want [00:27:00] us in relationship and you want 'em to be healthy relationships.

And so Father, we thank you and we ask you to help us do that. And we can't do it without you. Um, send your Holy Spirit to heal us. And change us and love one another the way you've called us to, and it's in your son's name, Jesus, that we pray. Amen.

[00:27:26] Leslie Corbell: Thanks for listening. Check out our Instagram at the Mind of a Child Pod, or you can email us at the Mind of a Child podcast@gmail.com.