The Mind of a Child

[00:00:00] Leslie Corbell: Hello, I'm Leslie Dudley Corbell. And I'm Diane Doucette Matthews, welcome to the Mind of a Child.

[00:00:13] Diane Matthews: We're so glad you've joined us today. We have some questions from a listener today, and her name is Kara and she is a very good friend of ours, and we thank you so much, Kara, for sending it in. And this is the question. How do you nurture true friendships between your children that last into adulthood?

You

[00:00:36] Leslie Corbell: know, when you brought that question to the table? We immediately had responses from our own perspectives and our own children, our own childhood. But we thought it would be fun to take this question to the streets. Yes. See what kind of responses we got. So we started with all ages. So Diane, don't you give a couple of the ones from the younger children we asked.

Asked from the

[00:00:56] Diane Matthews: younger children. Well, this was fun. So [00:01:00] we asked Emma. I think she's five and she said working together on projects and crafts with my siblings.

[00:01:09] Leslie Corbell: That was sweet. That is sweet. We also asked Rachel and Rachel is four and she said, I. My mommy lets me hold my baby brother.

[00:01:20] Diane Matthews: Aw, sweet too. And then another said, my parents let us have sleepovers, which she really just meant that they get to sleep together, you know, in the same room.

Yeah, it's, it's always fun to make, it makes it special. Mm-hmm.

[00:01:33] Leslie Corbell: To call it a special night. Cozy. Yeah. Yeah. Special night. That's good. So then we went up a couple of ages and we asked some 20 somethings. Mm-hmm. So what did you find out from the 20 year olds? Well.

[00:01:44] Diane Matthews: She talked about her sibling, who's, they're both in their twenties and something I keep in mind is to know he's more, I know him more than most people I know.

We grew up in the same environment. I know he's good with last minute plans and outdoor adventure, so I [00:02:00] always include him because they love to do outdoor adventures. We also talk to each other about family things that only he can understand. And then lastly, we are both believers, so. I must say that is probably the thing that has kept us the closest.

That's neat.

[00:02:17] Leslie Corbell: That is one 27-year-old that I asked her response was that her parents let them both do their own things and be themselves instead of pushing them

[00:02:27] Diane Matthews: to be like each other. Mm. Yeah. Be an individual, do your own thing. That's, that's an important thing. Another one was, uh, a friend of mine who's about.

50 and she said we are close. Even though we live in different states and are 11 years apart, we're separate. But personal relationships with Jesus gives us connection and joy for each other and our families, and we know our priorities are different. We accept that and we love each other in that difference.

You have another

[00:02:58] Leslie Corbell: one? I do. Okay. The last person [00:03:00] I interviewed is a family of about 11 children, Uhhuh, and they are. Probably now ranged in between the ages of 58 and 70, let's say Uhhuh. They're very close, all of them still, uh, it's really a joy to be around them at different, they throw big parties, big gatherings, joy to be around them.

'cause you can see how close they are. So I thought, I wanna ask her what she has to say. And so some of the things that she talked about from her childhood were family meals. They always ate family meals together. And that they supported one another and served one another through meaningful acts. So each week it was someone's turn to make the other children's lunches for school.

Oh, and even the youngest child had some level of responsibility in making the lunches. And so that was one thing. And then they also. Anytime one of them had an activity, they all went to support it. That's so you weren't allowed to opt out of going to the event. Yeah. Your brother had a soccer game. You went to the soccer [00:04:00] game to show your support.

And so I thought those were really sweet things. Could you

[00:04:02] Diane Matthews: see that? 11 kids? Yeah. They had a big van. Yes, they did have a big family. Yes. That's great. And then I asked some relatives and they. Elaborated a little bit more than I, than I can just read the answer right now. But the two words that came from their answers were trust that they trusted, uh, their siblings.

And then the other talked about being intentional. Very intentional through the lifetime, and that's just developed meaningful relationships.

[00:04:35] Leslie Corbell: Yeah. And I think there were a lot of common threads that run through all of those things. Mm-hmm. That they said the things that we talked about, common threads that included the sibling supporting one another.

Yes. And, and meal times around the table. I think that was something that, mm-hmm. Really stood out to me that a lot of it depends on how the parents approach the siblings. Mm-hmm. And how the parents approach those relationships. And [00:05:00] how the parents approach the idea of family. That's

[00:05:02] Diane Matthews: right. The family. How important is the family to the, the mom and dad, and how important is it to the mom and dad to make it a fun environment, an enjoyable environment?

So some of the things we came up to do together, as you always hear camp together or pray together, families who pray together, stay together. But I would think, and we've talked about this, just a local church. Make memories together, have traditions, and a big one for our family was reminiscing. And I had the benefit of having a husband who loved to reminisce and tell stories.

And of course he would do it every year, a lot of times about the same exact thing. And the kids would go, oh no, here we go again. But really deep down they loved it. And I think it connected us. Those stories were so deep embedded in them. Yeah, reminisce. Some other things.

[00:05:54] Leslie Corbell: Having those special times together, those things that bind those ties, that bind mm-hmm.

Are [00:06:00] so important Also. We can think about how do, what do the children see between the mother and the father? How are they living out that commitment to one another, and how do they approach one another and treat one another in a loving way? Mm-hmm. The children see that too, and it becomes just part of who that family is, right?

That this is how we treat one another that is so

[00:06:20] Diane Matthews: important too. Uh, and uh, that goes back to family values respecting one another and treating one another with respect, and that, that's so important,

[00:06:29] Leslie Corbell: I think, too, about. Siblings and conflicts and how conflicts come up, and that can really determine a relationship, how these conflicts are handled.

You know, is one child allowed to be just overpower the other and the adult doesn't get involved at all and lets it play out as it will. That doesn't develop into healthy relationships. Yeah. So having the skills, so many people are afraid of conflict. And afraid, or they shy away from it, they don't wanna get involved in it.

Or [00:07:00] maybe they want it to just stop and so they're just gonna stop the conflict and say, and take over it and control and manage the moment. So I think it's important to think about how we can be a healthy facilitator of conflict resolution and what that looks like. And I didn't really know what that looked like, but it was a good skill to work on Then when I had children.

To help them navigate these conflicts because they will carry that into other adult relationships and into their own adult sibling relationships.

[00:07:26] Diane Matthews: Absolutely. I know some days I just felt like that's all I was doing is putting out fires and solving conflicts. So I think that's very important because you don't want one to overpower another one.

[00:07:40] Leslie Corbell: I really needed someone to show me what it looked like. 'cause I lacked those skills. I avoided conflict all the time. So just briefly, here's what that might look like. Mm-hmm. You're gonna go to the. Child who actually received the aggression or re was the recipient of the action, go to them first. And that even in itself, was a big thing for me.

'cause I [00:08:00] would typically go to the aggressor, right. Or the other one first. Mm-hmm. Which then gives all of my attention to that moment. So I wanna connect with the child who was aggressed upon. I may have made that word up, but sounded good to me. That's right. That's right. And see how, you know, how did you like that?

Mm-hmm. Soothe them if needed. Give them the words to say to the sibling, you know, I didn't like it when you pushed me. Mm-hmm. I didn't like it when you took my toy. So I wanna build their skills up 'cause we're gonna approach this as building both kids' skills up. Then I wanna go to the child who aggressed upon the other child who was the aggressor in that moment.

I wanna see that child with grace.

[00:08:41] Diane Matthews: Mm-hmm.

[00:08:41] Leslie Corbell: I don't want to immediately see them negatively. Because I wanna keep that door open for them learning a new skill. Absolutely. I wanna, I wanna build them both up in that moment. I'm gonna set limits and do some teaching later, but in that moment, I wanna build up their skills in a positive way to replace that negative behavior.[00:09:00]

So I might say something like, you wanted to get by, so you pushed your sister.

[00:09:05] Diane Matthews: Mm-hmm.

[00:09:06] Leslie Corbell: Pushing is not okay. Mm-hmm. Pushing hurts when you want to get by, say, move please. Mm-hmm. Try it now for practice. Say, move please. Then after I have them both kind of go through that with the new skills, I wanna also focus then on relationship repair, asking forgiveness, you know, please forgive me for pushing you and then restore the relationship, you know, what can you all do to show that?

No, we all have problems. We all have conflicts, but we're still a family. What can you do to show that you're still a family? And that might be a high five. It might be a hug, but I wanna have some

[00:09:39] Diane Matthews: restoration too. And that's complete conflict resolution. If you don't have the restoration, it's not complete.

I.

It changes as they get older. You like when they're younger, you're gonna show them what it looks like because they might not have the words when they're [00:10:00] older. Then you're gonna walk 'em through the words and, uh, I love that you said don't immediately assume the negative, but you're, you're still teaching in training, even if the aggressor.

Didn't do the quote unquote right thing, but still stay open and try to teach them what the right thing is, but end with ask forgiveness. Yeah, that, I'm glad you said that. Whether they're

[00:10:25] Leslie Corbell: little or older children. Mm-hmm. It can bring up feeling in us, as you mentioned, even if they're three and four and it was a little sibling moment, it can bring up those feelings in us.

So being able to pray, stay calm and composed when we're supporting them in that is, is so

[00:10:42] Diane Matthews: important. I'll tell you what brought up the biggest feelings in me. We talk about big feelings. The big feelings that came up in me was when I would hear one child. Laughing in another child crying. Oh my goodness.

I would just have to [00:11:00] take a deep breath and just go in there and just help me, Lord, help me. 'cause I, I don't know, for some reason that would just, I couldn't handle that very well by myself. Yeah.

[00:11:11] Leslie Corbell: And so I think that's important when we think about how we build these relationships between siblings and how we support that healthy development.

We can't control it. We can pray for it, as you said, but these are things that we can do to lay that groundwork for them to create a healthy environment, to support each of them. Mm-hmm. To not have favorites, to not pit one child against the other, but to love them all for who they are. That's right. And one of the people that I talked to said one reason my siblings and I have stayed close is because our parents, as they got older.

They shared with us that this is our legacy. Mm. We wanted our children to be close. This family that we created when your mom and I came together, mm, in the very beginning, we wanted this family to last. And so I [00:12:00] think it was the heart of this parent that showed their intention and they lived it out. And so whatever it looks like for you out there, how you live out that intention and support and love your children.

Sets the

[00:12:13] Diane Matthews: ground for it. Oh, I could, I kind of have a little tear coming in my eye because I remember on my, my dad's deathbed, he, he gave a request to one of my brothers to take care of another brother and boy, it. You wanna honor your parents, and so that's beautiful. Mm-hmm. That's, that's, yeah. Something that we need to instill into our children too, that that's our desire, that they continue as friends.

So, Kara, we hope that that answered you. That's right. Answered some of your

[00:12:43] Leslie Corbell: question. And Kara had one more question. She did. It kind of ties into something that we mentioned at the very beginning. Mm-hmm. That one of the ways. The siblings shared with us was mealtimes. Mm-hmm. And so Kara had a question about mealtime.

Yes. Do you wanna read

[00:12:56] Diane Matthews: that question? Yes. What are the best questions? [00:13:00] Around the table, the dinner table to facilitate meaningful conversations and get your kids talking about the day I married the king of questions. And it's funny now my, my sons, they tend to do the same things now and they laugh and they go.

I was doing it and I sounded like dad. So we did have questions go around the table, answer the questions, but some of the things that, that helps with the children, it teaches them to be good listeners, to be silent, wait and be patient. So it, it really does cause a lot of good things within the children.

So a simple one is go around and share the highs and the lows of the days.

[00:13:44] Leslie Corbell: Throw out a word, one word to describe your day, and then after one word is thrown out, you know, ask them to tell me more about that. That phrase has been important to me as I've grown as a parent, to not rush in and assign too much to something that a [00:14:00] child shares with me.

[00:14:00] Diane Matthews: Mm-hmm. And

[00:14:01] Leslie Corbell: put my own interpretation on it, but just to say, oh, how was that for you? Tell

[00:14:07] Diane Matthews: me more about that. Yeah. It leaves it open for their interpretation instead of your interpretation.

Another question could be, did you help somebody today at school or did somebody help you

[00:14:21] Leslie Corbell: today at school? And you know, something about that question. If children know that question is gonna be asked around the dinner table. Throughout the day, they're gonna be looking for ways to help someone, or they're gonna be looking for ways someone help them.

So it helps shift their focus.

[00:14:35] Diane Matthews: Well, sometimes it was tied to maybe a, a devotion in the morning, but it would, you know, maybe a challenge for the devotion, or let's pray for somebody today. I don't wanna get too far ahead, but I heard somebody say that instead of praying for things, have the children pray for people.

That's so good. Yeah. But anyway, so that could be in line with. That morning devotion. Did you help that person [00:15:00] that we prayed for?

[00:15:01] Leslie Corbell: Well, and you've just thrown a whole nother idea in that we haven't talked about yet. Pray for your sibling. Yes. Pray for your mom and dad

[00:15:09] Diane Matthews: too. Yes. Yes. Yes. And And share your prayer request with your children.

You know, you're a family, you're a unit.

[00:15:19] Leslie Corbell: Yeah. That's what we're doing, Uhhuh. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Okay. So Kara, we hope this has been helpful to you. We hope this has been helpful to all our listeners. We're just gonna sum up some of the ideas that we had and that we shared. So first off, pray for that. Your intention really is to this family and to build this family, and this is your legacy in the words of my friend's father.

And so what that might look like for you. Family meals supporting one another in their activities. Letting children be themselves and honoring who they are in their spiritual gifting. And then we can think about dinner time in those meals together, having conversation and listening to [00:16:00] one another, whether it be talking about their day, getting one word answers, getting highs and lows, and sharing and praying for one another, and sharing prayer requests.

There are so many things out there to bring to the table. It's important to listen to one another. That's what builds your family traditions and builds those ties that bind.

[00:16:19] Diane Matthews: Lord, thank you for this time. We thank you for family. We thank you that you've given us one another, and Father, I pray that you would help us steward it well, that you would help us love one another, respect one another, encourage one another, and we ask all this in Jesus' name.

Amen.

[00:16:40] Leslie Corbell: Thanks for listening. Check out our Instagram at the Mind of a Child Pod, or you can email us at the Mind of a Child podcast@gmail.com.