The Mind of a Child

Leslie Corbell: [00:00:00] Hello, I'm Leslie Dudley Corbell. And I'm Diane Doucet Matthews, welcome to the Mind of a Child.

Diane Matthews: This topic could elicit some uneasy feelings or thoughts, plans, or schedule or routines for your children and for yourself. Do you have that? So how should we get started

Leslie Corbell: here, Leslie? Well, I'm curious to hear how you approached. Plans and schedules and routines when your

Diane Matthews: children were younger? It started with me not having one, and with younger children, I remember hearing one particular person talk about it, and it made me very uncomfortable because it felt like a burden.

It felt like I had to add. More to my [00:01:00] plate than I could, you know, I just didn't have enough energy, or it was just more than I could do in an already busy schedule. And then what happened was my life just got chaotic. You know, the good old term. Pain is the precursor to change. So I think I do need a plan or a schedule or some kind of routine here.

I have to do something. I'm just putting out fires every day. So I just started asking myself some questions and of course, conversations with my husband. I wrote 'em down and so the first question was. What was I already trying to accomplish in a day? What was I trying to accomplish? And the second question was, what could I do for my family to run smoother or to run smooth period?

And then the third question was just what did I need to function? Life. An example was, you know, just exercise, of course, but spending time with the Lord, [00:02:00] having Bible study, spending time with friends, you know, just things like that. And so I think once I started asking those questions, then those answers started to evolve.

What

Leslie Corbell: about you? I really have never been much of a planner, I would say. Mm-hmm. Of course you may, you may disagree with me. As a young mom, I tended to fly by the seat of my pants. Mm-hmm. I would be the mother who would show up at preschool having forgotten something at home. Mm-hmm. Or, you know, arrive somewhere without something.

Just 'cause I think I felt really overwhelmed. I never stopped to think about what I was going to do next. I was just in the minute. Living it,

Diane Matthews: Uhhuh,

Leslie Corbell: and looking back, I think a plan could have been helpful in some ways, but I think the biggest part of it was I needed to stop and breathe and have some quiet time.

Spend some time in prayer. I wasn't doing that. I was literally trying to just keep everything going, keep everything moving. [00:03:00] And so as, as I began maturing in my faith and as just as a, a young woman, I began to plan in a way that would be, I'm gonna plan to be spontaneous, and I would gather all the information about something that I needed so that then I could pivot on a dime.

Diane Matthews: Mm.

Leslie Corbell: So I've never been much for writing things down, planning it out, but. More providing myself with the information that I need to know so that I can go wherever I need to go on a moment's notice and be prepared. And you know, that's a good way to

Diane Matthews: describe you because you do plan, you don't write it down, but you have a plan and I, I see that about you.

You can kind go whatever direction you want to at any given time. How did you say that? The spontaneous. I plan to

Leslie Corbell: be spontaneous. That's great. That, that's great. And so I think the, the key is that is just what is my focus, what's my overall goal?

Diane Matthews: Mm-hmm.

Leslie Corbell: And how might I achieve that goal and move forward with always keeping that overall goal in mind.

Diane Matthews: And I think that's an important point as young [00:04:00] moms being flexible. Their plan. So you said when you were younger you didn't, and maybe having one would've helped if you would've had a quiet time and to stop and to breathe. Yes, and I think that's what I was missing. And so it was doing a number on me, and so it was like, okay, how can I have this?

I desperately need this. What needs to happen for. To be accomplished. And I think that's really the question for young moms to ask themselves the things that are necessary for me. So like, I wanna love my children, I want to respond calmly. I want to disciple them. I want them to love the Lord. So if I'm losing it.

I'm, you know, yelling at them because I'm not in the moment and I am frazzled and I'm in the midst of chaos. Well, okay, so what do I have to do to make sure each person's plan for themselves and their family is gonna look different? What [00:05:00] determines those differences you think?

Leslie Corbell: Well, I know I've always admired how you have a written agenda that goes with you everywhere and you're all, you know, we talk about something and you pull your agenda out and you write in it.

And I, I tell you what, I will buy an agenda every. Either if it's a school year one or a calendar year one, I will buy it with all intentions of using it and I never pick it up, or maybe I pick it up the first time and write everything in it. I never look at it again. Mm-hmm. So for me, writing in an agenda wasn't as hard as I wanted to.

I couldn't make it work for myself, for my style. So for me it ended up, it really goes back to that, having that quiet time and setting that intention and, and identifying what is the goal. It might even be, I have to be somewhere by three o'clock, so I'm gonna start backing it up. Okay. So that means I need to go from this point to this point.

If I'm gonna swim, I need to get in the out of the water by eight 30. That means I need to get into the water by six 30, which means I need to leave the house by, so I can track stuff out like [00:06:00] that by processing it, but I'll never write it down.

Diane Matthews: Yeah, your mind's a little bit more superior than mine.

Leslie Corbell: You don't have to write it down.

We're talking about these different ways of doing it, whether on paper in your heads, but we've kind of identified a big piece of it, which is just sitting in that moment. Mm. It doesn't matter what it looks like for you and how you're gonna do it. But have that quiet moment. Spend time in prayer. Let your mind settle and find that peace, and then identifying what you're gonna do.

That's the piece that I think we would wanna encourage young moms to do.

Diane Matthews: Yeah. And we are gonna talk a little bit about how God has a plan for us, and then we're gonna go to clear communication with our children. But let's just stop and think about how God communicated his plan to his people. He had a plan.

Think about the pillar by day and the pillar by night. So they were wandering in the pillar of

Leslie Corbell: clouds and a pillar of fire. Yeah. Yeah. So

Diane Matthews: they were [00:07:00] wandering in the wilderness and he gave a visual for them to follow a path, a plan, because he knows that we as people really need. Direction. So what does it do for us when we have a plan?

What is it like in the brain? How does that help our brains?

Leslie Corbell: When we have a routine, when we have a plan, when we know what's coming up, we can relax. Our autonomic nervous system can calm, and then we can work on other things like connecting and problem solving and moving forward. And then, you know, we think about how many times in the Bible God says to go.

He gives these directions to go. He doesn't want us stuck. Mm. He doesn't want us floundering in the wilderness or floundering in that chaos that you described. Mm. So having that goal and having a plan, getting a routine going, it does help us move forward and learn and grow. You know, we could be

Diane Matthews: spontaneous if we are settled and [00:08:00] we feel safe and we, we know the plan, or at least that's the way my brain works.

Yeah. Yes.

Leslie Corbell: Children want that plan. Children like routine, just like we do. Yes.

Diane Matthews: So let's talk about communication, doing it clearly, calmly and completely.

Leslie Corbell: I think it's an interesting thing to think about in terms of 93% of our communication is our body language and our tone of voice, and that's a key piece.

Diane Matthews: Mm-hmm.

Leslie Corbell: For us to keep in mind when we're communicating. Clearly and calmly and completely is taken into encounter. Facial expressions, tone of voice. No, I go, uh oh. When I think about tone of voice, let's talk about the yes. Tone of

Diane Matthews: voice. I'm not very

Leslie Corbell: good at that one. We wanna communicate to children with that voice of knowing so that they know that we are in charge.

So that helps 'em settle. It calms them. It's like, oh no, they don't have to be in charge. They don't have to fight for their survival. Mm-hmm. They can relax and be in our care. What

Diane Matthews: are the other ones?

Leslie Corbell: Well, so [00:09:00] now let's talk about the types of voices, and you can think about an assertive voice, an aggressive voice, and a passive voice.

Let me just demonstrate in a passive voice, put on your shoes please. Put on your shoes. Okay. If you wanna go outside, we need to get on our shoes.

Diane Matthews: Very passive. Very passive, very

Leslie Corbell: passive. And so often children won't hear that direction and won't respond to it very quickly.

Diane Matthews: Mm-hmm.

Leslie Corbell: How about an aggressive voice?

Oh, dog calling. Would you do that one

Diane Matthews: for us? I know, I wish I really didn't have that aggressive voice because I was a coach. Maybe I can just fall back on that as an excuse, but I, I can do the aggressive, I don't wanna say it loud, but just. Go put on your shoes right now, then that could be

Leslie Corbell: so harsh. And, and then there's my personal favorite, which is a passive aggressive flip flop.

Mm. And so it might start out something like, put on your shoes. Okay. Put on your shoes please. I'm waiting to see who has their shoes on. [00:10:00] Putting on your shoes, don't make me say it again. And how many people do that? I mean, absolutely. I know. Absolutely. It's hard. And so we really wanna try to get to that assertive voice, which is clear and neutral.

It simply says, put on your shoes,

Diane Matthews: that knowing voice.

Leslie Corbell: Yes. And that's a hard one to hit. I had to practice, I don't know if you did, because I was more the passive aggressive, I think, and so I had to practice saying things like. This is a table, this is a chair. Mm. And I would say that in my head and then say, put on your shoes.

So it was neutral.

Diane Matthews: I'm still practicing it being neutral.

Leslie Corbell: It's so effective to them children hear, hear that action word of what to do. Mm-hmm. And that I think about things like two scriptures in particular. One is Colossians 3 21 Fathers.

Diane Matthews: Do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up with discipline and [00:11:00] instruction of the Lord.

And the other ones fathers do not provoke your children unless they become discouraged.

Leslie Corbell: And so that was Ephesians six, four and then Colossians 3 21. So two verses there. That's really speak to the heart of how we should talk to our children. Mm-hmm. Which is clearly we're not supposed to bring all the emotion stuff in it, but just clearly and with authority and all the fruit of the spirit in that moment.

That's right. So let's talk a little bit more, Diane, about that. Clear? Mm-hmm. Calm and complete communication. What could a direct command sound like? A very assertive one.

Diane Matthews: Johnny, put your arms at your side. Stand still.

Leslie Corbell: Yeah. You used action words. You told him exactly what to do. You said his name first and really painted a picture of what you wanted his behavior to be, what your expectations are.

That's a clear direction.

Diane Matthews: Want me to do it the wrong way? Do it the wrong, the

Leslie Corbell: possibly less effective way,

Diane Matthews: ineffective, and also a way [00:12:00] that the child would not even really know what to do. Don't move. Don't keep moving and

Leslie Corbell: squirming

Diane Matthews: around. Yeah.

Leslie Corbell: Don't move. Yeah. Yeah. That's, that's a good one. And you know why that's a good example of an ineffective one?

Mm-hmm. Because you used a contraction,

Diane Matthews: and I did that on purpose because I, you did

Leslie Corbell: know this. Children, young children don't untangle that contraction. Mm. So when we use contractions like that and we focus on the behavior that we want them to stop, they actually hear the behavior and they will do it.

Think of the toddler and you tell the toddler, don't touch. They always, I'll give you a hundred dollars. If they don't, they always turn back at you and smile and and touch. They touch it because they think, look, I'm doing what you said. Isn't this fun? So go for the action word. Put your hands by your side like this.

Say their name. Johnny. Mm-hmm. And that is a [00:13:00] clear direction.

Diane Matthews: Mm-hmm. Name, verb, paint. Say their name first, use the action word and then paint a picture of what you want them to do. Mm-hmm.

Leslie Corbell: And I learned that very phrase from conscious discipline. Mm-hmm. That's something that they teach. Mm-hmm. And so, yes, that is a great phrase to use.

Mm-hmm. Another little piece that we've talked about and we slipped it into one of our earlier examples is saying, please, and thank you. When we make a request and when we're teaching manners, modeling manners, I might say to my child, would you please hand me that pencil? Because I dropped it. Mm-hmm. And they might say yes, and they hand it to me.

Thank you very much. That's so helpful. But if I want them to do something, I drop please and thank you. Mm-hmm. Because it's not a request now, it's a direction.

Diane Matthews: Mm-hmm.

Leslie Corbell: Put on your shoes.

Diane Matthews: If I said, put on your shoes, please, Leslie.

Leslie Corbell: No, thank you. I'm not ready yet. No, thank you. I don't wanna do that

Diane Matthews: right now.

And I

Leslie Corbell: have

Diane Matthews: [00:14:00] heard

Leslie Corbell: children say that.

Diane Matthews: Yeah.

Leslie Corbell: Because it's a request and they've been taught that with the manners. You can say, yes ma'am. No, ma'am. Thank you. No, thank you. Mm-hmm. So, yeah. Mm-hmm. So for a command or a direction, drop the please and thank you. Mm-hmm. For a request.

Diane Matthews: Absolutely put 'em in there.

Mm-hmm. The reason we talk about this with a plan is because you can have a great plan, but if you don't communicate it clearly and with confidence. It's not gonna go very far. That confidence isn't a confidence in yourself. It's a confidence in the plan that God's given you to put order in your world and the order in your family's world so that you're doing what God's called you to do for your family.

Leslie Corbell: And I think that confidence that you're describing does then help you rest in that as you're communicating. Mm-hmm. There are some things that can help and some children can benefit from visuals and pictures. I know that we have used sticky notes at the [00:15:00] doors. I mean, it can be something very simple.

Mm-hmm. As a sticky note with a picture of something to remind us to take that as we go out the door, because that was always my challenge, was what do I need when I walk out of the house? And so that was a good visual to kinda stop and help us think and put it all together. I have also used pictures of areas that need to be cleaned up.

What does it look like? Help your room or help this little corner of the room look like this. Mm-hmm. And so having that picture there, then help them meet those expectations there for that plan of

Diane Matthews: cleaning up. Mm-hmm. And what it's gonna look like, and we've talked about visuals many, many times, and it doesn't have to be complicated nowadays.

There's so many pictures. I mean, we take pictures all the time on our phones, so you can do it that way and. Print 'em, or you can just draw little stick figures. I mean, make it simple. Don't make it a burden. But that does help a lot,

Leslie Corbell: and I think it can be helpful as we're talking about plans, when we're communicating our plans to our children.

And maybe there's a change in the routine because we've [00:16:00] touched on routines, and I think for me, routines were very important as a mom and just as an adult. Mm-hmm. I love following a routine every day. Mm-hmm. Probably set your watch by me and know where I am. I know, because, and so when routines get thrown off, that can also be challenging for young children.

Mm-hmm. And so giving them a heads up. If the routine has changed so that they know, calms them and helps them know, okay, mom's got this under control. That's right. I mean, I think it was so good for God to give them that pillar of cloud and pillar of fire to help them know I am in charge. That's

Diane Matthews: right.

I've got this. And that gives us just a peace and a confidence that we know that he doesn't change. He's the same every day. So it's the same thing, just to give them confidence in safety and protection.

Leslie Corbell: We do feel directionless without a plan and can feel anxious without a plan, and so he does provide that for us and we can provide that for our children as well.

There's one other little piece [00:17:00] I wanna talk about. Though we can plan everything. We can plan our day, we can make plans for our intentions. And sometime those plans that we found safety in, they really aren't the true source of our safety. And so I think we really do need to talk about that because God's plans are sovereign, and so part of our peace from our plan has to ultimately realize that his plans are what bring us that peace.

Mm-hmm. For me, that went back to whether it was an agenda or a book, a silent reflection, a prayer. Ultimately it came back to how am I gonna honor God today? How am I gonna disciple my children, as you mentioned earlier. Mm-hmm. And that is really the overarching priority and

Diane Matthews: purpose for my day. Days don't go the way we script them.

Proverbs 1921. Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. And so when that does [00:18:00] happen, 'cause we know it happens almost every day to trust in the Lord. And just to know like what you said, that he is in control and to rest in that, and that's where it's hard to do sometimes, is just to take a deep breath and just, okay, Lord, that wasn't my plan, but I'm just gonna rest in what you have decided.

Yes. Yeah. If that wasn't my decision, but this is your decision.

Leslie Corbell: Those three questions that you asked yourself. I wanna go back to that in closing. You know, what was I already trying to accomplish, but maybe wasn't? What were some things that needed to get done for the family? And then what did you need to do to be able to spend that time with your family? So we encourage you to take this information.

If something's speaking to you, ask yourself these questions and see if they may apply to you, may give you some ideas of how you wanna move forward with a plan.

Diane Matthews: Lord, we just come to you and [00:19:00] ask that you would help each person that has that desire to make a plan that you would make it real enjoyable, easy.

Time to do that for them and that they would have clarity and discernment and wisdom in doing that. And we just thank you that you have a plan for us and that you love us, and we thank you Jesus. Amen.

Leslie Corbell: Thanks for listening. Check out our Instagram at the Mind of a Child Pod, or you can email us at the Mind of a Child podcast@gmail.com.