The Mind of a Child

[00:00:00] Leslie Corbell: Today we're gonna be answering some questions about bringing a new baby home to a now big sibling. Things like how to prepare for this new baby. Tips to introduce the baby to their sibling, and how to navigate new dynamics and new schedules. Hello, I'm Leslie Dudley Corbell. And I'm Diane Doucet Matthews, welcome to the Mind of a Child.

We are so glad you've joined us. Diane and I have been thinking about and reflecting on really when we would bring new children into the family. Mm-hmm. So I had two children, Diane, I, well I had four, so you got to do this several times. I did. And so we've had some questions about this and we just thought we'd kind of go through some.

Moments that you might encounter, uh, when you bring these new babies home and find some ways to encourage you. So the first thing Diane, I wanna talk to [00:01:00] you about is what are some tips on preparing to bring this new

[00:01:04] Diane Matthews: baby home? There's so many ways to prepare, but to prepare the older child, you know, they're curious.

Your belly's getting bigger. It's easy. Nowadays with the iPhones that we have or whatever, phone with all the pictures in there, you can show them pictures of when they were growing inside your belly. And when they were infants, you know, 'cause a lot of times kids, I know you've talked about it, Hans went to go visit an infant and he thought he was gonna be playing with them and it was like, oh my goodness, that baby can't move.

So just prepare them for what's the new baby gonna look like. Letting them get involved with maybe set up for the nursery or the crib or the new little bitty clothes. You know, they're curious and answer questions and some questions you may wanna answer. On a limited basis.

[00:01:53] Leslie Corbell: Yeah. And because they will ask questions.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's a very helpful, it makes me think of what to expect when [00:02:00] expecting. Mm-hmm. That wonderful book series. So this is really all about how to help your child. Yeah. Expect when you're expecting.

[00:02:07] Diane Matthews: That's right. I had some I hear you answering that. Yeah. Well, um, one of my granddaughters asked questions.

The other, it was just a couple weeks ago, she said, okay, so how does the baby get in the belly? Hmm. Good question. How does the baby get out of the belly? Hmm. Good question. You know, so you might wanna think through, you know, how are you gonna answer that question? Very limited, but real sweet and appropriately.

You don't wanna say too much.

[00:02:35] Leslie Corbell: What a perfect time to go to Genesis. Yes. And read to them about God creating the first family because it is important to children, our gift from the Lord. And so we're going to be really establishing that foundation with our children. Yeah. Another thing we thought about is how to introduce the new baby to the sibling, or introduce the sibling to the new baby.

Mm-hmm. And so [00:03:00] sometimes I hear that. People will encourage parents to really start building up. You're gonna be a big sister, you're gonna be a big brother, like this great new role you're gonna step into. And my thought on that is, that's just a snake oil salesman, a charlatan pitch. They're they're not, they're not buying it.

Mm-hmm. They have been, so all they've known is being the baby. I would caution or encourage parents to let that child still also be the baby. Mm-hmm. I remember when Madeline went to meet Hans. So I had Hans and she was brought to the hospital and she just jumped on the hospital bed with me. There was Hans in the bed.

She said, oh, he's so cute. Mm-hmm. And we just had this little group hug. She sat there, she ate my breakfast, and it was just really a sweet special time. Now she did step into the role of a big sister. But it was in her own timing. I would encourage you not to immediately shove the 2-year-old, 3-year-old out of their [00:04:00] position.

[00:04:00] Diane Matthews: To them, they are still a baby. You know, you think about it, if the child is like five or six or seven, it might be different, but if it's a baby, you know, definitely. Yeah. Let 'em grow into that role. Let 'em for sure. I think even

[00:04:11] Leslie Corbell: with the five or 6-year-old, let 'em grow into that role. Grad, you know, give them responsibilities, help them, have them help you with the baby.

Yeah. But yeah, let's, let's don't.

[00:04:20] Diane Matthews: Let's don't be the ones that put them in that role. Yeah. Would be unfair to almost give 'em a job description. Okay. This is what you need to do, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Just let 'em kind of ease into it and enjoy it. I just remember being so excited about Hank getting the kids ready and we have pictures.

Oh my goodness. Hank even. But those pictures of bringing the kids up to the room and just getting on the bed and jumping on the bed and looking at the baby, it was just such an exciting time. Just them all being a family. That was kind of the idea. We're all a family, we're bringing somebody else into the family, you know, it was just fun.

Yes. Um, yeah, don't make a big deal about new roles

[00:04:57] Leslie Corbell: and you know, there's a lot of talk about re children regressing and [00:05:00] so that can be a thing that children will regress. Part of me thinks sometimes if maybe that it's not really regression, it's really more that they're not ready to let go of their role.

Huh. And so I would kind of reframe that. Mm-hmm. And think of it that way. They're just not ready to let go. So be patient with them and let them be secure. And who they are as they take that next step into their next role. Yeah, so

[00:05:26] Diane Matthews: I wanted to talk a little bit about a new trend that's been going on, and I know a lot of families do this by gifts for the new baby and have the new baby, even by gifts for the older siblings.

[00:05:40] Leslie Corbell: For me, not, I'm not gonna tell anybody that's wrong. Don't do that. Right. Right. I mean, 'cause I know everybody's well-meaning and well-intentioned and they're trying to celebrate this. Mm-hmm. Wonderful occasion in their family, the way they, they want to. Right. I would caution mm-hmm. Focusing too much on material items.

Mm-hmm. Because I think then we start, there's two things. One, we're kind of [00:06:00] valuing. Gifts and material things over relationships and really it the child is the gift to the family, right. Just as that other sibling was a gift to the family as well, and then creating this wonderful family that God has put together.

So I would wanna keep the focus on that and on the relationship. Mm-hmm. Also, it can kind of set up a thing or everything, every occasion needs a gift. A material item to celebrate it. And I would just reflect on, or encourage parents to reflect on what is our priority here? Right? What are we trying to instill?

[00:06:33] Diane Matthews: Yeah. I was thinking the same thing. It could set up a tendency, you know, just a norm, you know, that that's what they're expecting, like what you just said. Mm-hmm. So it nothing, I mean, nothing's been. There's no mistake in doing it, but it could just set up an expectant wish that the child may have. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Good. Better, best. Yeah, good, better, best. Okay, so what about when you bring the child home from the hospital?

[00:06:58] Leslie Corbell: One thing I remember, [00:07:00] and this will kind of go into lot of the stuff that we're talking about, was I wasn't prepared for how much. It was like an incremental increase of needs and demands and things for me to be doing.

And so I think being prepared for that and also being prepared for, and we'll talk a little bit about this too, is all the time you spent together with that first child. Yeah. And I remember thinking, wow. Her whole world has changed now for the better. Yeah. Obviously. Yeah. But just that realization, this is really different now.

Mm-hmm. And it is wonderful, but it's, it's a different picture of a family. There's a new kid on the

[00:07:37] Diane Matthews: block, new kid, and so things have to be shared time, everything. Yeah. You know, mom and daddy. Oh. It's just everything. So it is, it's uh, definitely. A transition that needs to take place. So one-on-one with that older sibling is very, very important.

I think so. So even if you have the baby in your, in your arms. Mm-hmm. But having that one-on-one [00:08:00] eye contact, even like if. The older child wants to play, make sure you go maybe to his room or his favorite place to play and sit on the floor with him, with the baby, play all those things with him. Keep his time, her time, very special, and get into his world, observe him, and be there for him.

That's so important for his, that transition to go as smoothly as possible.

[00:08:25] Leslie Corbell: Yes. And like you're saying, doing things together where it's playing, whether it's. Taking care of the baby, bringing the child in to help you take care and finding little things for them to do, whether it's hold the diaper while you're changing mm-hmm.

And get ready for it. You know, just bringing them into the whole piece because you can value that. And having them go get the diaper.

[00:08:43] Diane Matthews: Yeah. The wet wipes, the, you know, teaching 'em how to coup and be gentle with the baby. Just all those things involve them with the activities. They'll enjoy it too. I mean, that age, they love to be involved.

Children are soothed through that. Mm-hmm. Just being involved and [00:09:00] interacting with mama. Mm-hmm. And baby. Yeah. So a

[00:09:03] Leslie Corbell: child's

[00:09:03] Diane Matthews: play really

[00:09:04] Leslie Corbell: is work. And so doing the work of the family is time spent with the child and it is play.

[00:09:10] Diane Matthews: So what about like when people come over. And we'll talk about that too, like visits, but what about presents?

[00:09:16] Leslie Corbell: Oh, yes. Gifts. I remember visiting my friends Uhhuh when they would have their second baby. I would like to take a present to the baby just to celebrate. Mm-hmm. And I tried always to take a present either that both children could use together. Whether it was a book that the older child could read to the baby.

Mm-hmm. Or two small gifts a piece. And I know we said earlier not to take gifts between siblings, not to exchange gifts. Yeah. But just in the spirit of celebrating. Yeah. A new arrival. I tried to involve the old, both children,

[00:09:46] Diane Matthews: I tell you, were so thoughtful because it kinda caught me by surprise on my, even my first, well, my first new child, second child, so to speak, when people would bring meals over and they got.

They brought gifts. [00:10:00] I was like, wow. They were so thoughtful and I didn't expect that at all. But then when I would return the favor, so to speak, what a great idea. Mm-hmm. And so I started doing that. You can bring like a coloring book or books on tape back then. Were just so fun. Just something that they can all listen to or worship songs or, I used to have a, a special verse.

It was a man that sang these little worship on a, on a. Used to be tapes. Boy does that say my age. But you know, just to bring something like that to just kind of celebrate. So yeah, that's real fun to share with the family when you go to visit them, because it really does shift the perspective. It's celebrating the family.

Taking care of both the child's needs. We've talked about that, but let's talk about patience and teaching 'em maybe to wait. That's pretty difficult.

[00:10:58] Leslie Corbell: It is. It is. And so I have [00:11:00] several thoughts. So just, let's say the baby needs something and you're busy with the older child. You can always say things to the baby even, even though the baby can't wait.

As long as it's not emergency, it's like, mommy will be right with you. Mm-hmm. I'm gonna finish helping Jack

[00:11:17] Diane Matthews: or Madeline in your case. Yeah,

[00:11:19] Leslie Corbell: yeah, that's right. Put on, put on his shoes. Mm-hmm. I'll be right there. So I think it's important to make statements like that. Mm-hmm. Likewise, with the older child, they need something and you're attending to the other baby's needs and their need isn't an emergency either.

Right. Then, you know, using that same, giving them eye contact, helping them wait and managing both children at the same time, wouldn't wanna use either child as. Blame them. This is what I wanted you to elaborate on. Yeah. Don't blame the other child for not being able to help. Try to use the word and as much as possible, I'm going to finish changing the baby's diaper and then I'll come play with you.

Yeah.

[00:11:56] Diane Matthews: Instead of saying something like, well, I [00:12:00] have to do this with I can, yeah. I can't write down, so I can't do this with you now. 'cause then there's just kind of, you're gonna be building some dissension there. Yeah. I like how you throw that in. That's a good example. Yeah. No telling how many times I did that.

Yeah. Just not even thinking about it, but just to say, I'm gonna finish this and I'll be Right. You know? Just so respectful and conscientious, you know? Yeah. Just thoughtful.

[00:12:22] Leslie Corbell: One thing that I did too, and I thought of was when I needed to be taking care of Hans and doing something that I knew I would be unable to help Madeline.

For, you know, 15, 20 minutes or so, I had a special activity basket that she could then play with only during those times. So it kept it novel for her. Mm-hmm. And it was sort of then still quarter our time together. Yes. And it could be something that she could do on her own, whether it was a book with stickers, crayons, some sort of craft box or something that she could do that she didn't need my help with.

[00:12:55] Diane Matthews: Hmm,

[00:12:56] Leslie Corbell: that's a great idea. And then put it away. Yeah. Other times can't

[00:12:59] Diane Matthews: [00:13:00] say that I did that one either.

[00:13:01] Leslie Corbell: Mm-hmm. You know, something, think about, and I can't say that I did this, but I know I've encouraged other parents to do this. So if, you know you're getting ready to be busy for about 15, 20 minutes with your child, with the baby mm-hmm.

And, and unable to be interrupted and, and take care of something else, give the other child a whole lot of connection, a whole lot of your time right before that. Mm. So that they have eye contact, they have that relationship, they get a really big dose. It's almost like a booster shot. Yeah. Before they need it

[00:13:29] Diane Matthews: from you when you can't get it.

So like right before you're gonna have to nurse the child and rock 'em and put 'em to sleep or whatever your, you know, your routine is with the mm-hmm. With the infant, with the child. Um, you're saying do that if you can. If you can, yes. If you can think through that in time permits. Yes. And so let's go to the aggressiveness and maybe, uh, regressing.

If the older child does this, because we did have a, a question mm-hmm. From a listener. Mm-hmm. She said, I brought a new baby home and my [00:14:00] older child is acting out. He's being aggressive, regressing, and not listening and hitting. So why? Then what should we do? I

[00:14:10] Leslie Corbell: think it's helpful to think about what is the message of this behavior?

Mm-hmm. Because we know all behaviors sending us a message about something going on with that child. Mm-hmm. And so let's think about, I mean, their world has changed and they may be very happy that the world has changed, but life as they have known it. Has changed. Mm. They may be very happy. I'm sure they're very happy that it's changed, but it, it may be an, there is an adjustment there, so mom, dad may be tired, maybe a little bit busier than they were not spending as much time.

It's just a very normal adjustment for a child, so they can be expressing that through behaviors that you maybe don't wish to see. So helping them in that moment, bringing that compassion in, helping them in the moment. By redirecting them into different behaviors, teaching them different [00:15:00] behaviors.

Mm-hmm. That's all good. We d wanna make sure we're teaching 'cause it's not okay to behave that way just because you're That's right. You're disappointed or you need more connection. There's still, we still wanna teach them then well, what to do with that. Mm-hmm. So that's one piece of it. The other piece would be.

They do need a little extra time. Yeah. That maybe they're the typical priorities of a baby's very intense needs have pulled you away from it a little bit. Yeah. So let's pour into them some more.

[00:15:26] Diane Matthews: And time is limited when you have two pe. Mm-hmm. Two kids and a newborn, and you're trying to get rest and feed.

There's just so much going on that's six to eight weeks. Transition right after a newborn is brought home is, is, it's a difficult time. Mm-hmm. Don't forget to ask for help, you know? Well, of course parents in-laws and friends, but also children love routine. Mm-hmm. And schedules and you know, it's gonna be flip flop those six or eight weeks, but as soon as you can get back [00:16:00] to that somewhat.

Of a schedule routine. Mm-hmm. It really does soothe them also and just give them security. So if you can return back to that. Somewhat of a rude routine or schedule. Mm-hmm. That will help when there's that, that, uh, aggression or regression, you know, instead of getting angry or impatient with them, try to realize what they're going through.

I mean, it's hard for us with change sometimes. Mm-hmm. But just to encourage them and, you know, even stop and say a little prayer with them. Mm-hmm. And just go, you know, I know this is a difficult time. Things are changing. Uh, let's pray and ask God to help you. Get through this time and maybe teach them even the, with the aggression to be gentle in practice.

To be gentle. You mentioned that about routines. One thing I didn't

[00:16:48] Leslie Corbell: think about was sometimes children are just tired. It, you're right. Routines get thrown off. And if you have a two or three yearold who's maybe bedtime is changed or who's being [00:17:00] awakened in the middle of the night, maybe. 'cause there's activity in the middle of the night.

In the middle of the night with, with, with a new baby, they may very well. Have behaviors that are simply, I'm just tired. Mm-hmm. And I'm doing the best I can right now. So just having, keeping those types of things in mind, I think help us come to that parenting table with them. Mm-hmm. When we're guiding them and redirecting them with a lot more patience.

[00:17:29] Diane Matthews: I've heard this said for I don't know how long, but a well rested baby sleeps good. Mm-hmm. And grammatically, I don't know that that's really right. But you think about it, if a child is overly tired or even think about ourselves, I know if I'm overly tired, it's hard for me to settle down and sleep. It's the same thing with a child.

So if the everything is just in chaos. There's no really routine or schedule, and they're up in the middle of the night. It's harder for them to rest. Mm-hmm. Well, then they're [00:18:00] even more tired than normal. So yeah. The soonest you can get back on some kind of routine or schedule. Mm-hmm. It's better for the whole family.

But we know that six or eight weeks there's gonna be. It's chaos really when you first bring on home the baby. So, and

[00:18:15] Leslie Corbell: that makes me think too, when you're talking about the importance of rest, I mean, my goodness, the mom needs rest. Oh, my in, in this too. And so that awareness and willingness to sit down, spend some time.

In Psalm 23 or anywhere really, because the shepherd will draw you to rest and you need that replenishment mm-hmm. Of your spirit and your energy and focus and also sleep. Yeah. We've talked about this on our

[00:18:42] Diane Matthews: other mm-hmm. Podcast. Ask your husband, do y'all need to swap off on the nap thing during that time?

Or call somebody in like you did for your daughter? Go in and and stay with the child so she can have a good nap. Yeah. Yeah. Those are all things to think about, but rest and [00:19:00] good nutrition. So let's talk about a meal train. So like people, visitors, and people wanna help. I loved having a meal train, having people come in and bring food.

But with the food came long visits sometimes that was a little difficult to manage. So what would you suggest?

[00:19:23] Leslie Corbell: Dropping it off? Really? I think when the, when the mother, when the baby's really young. Yeah. I would just drop it off for them and mm-hmm. Make my exit. So that the mother doesn't, the father doesn't have to do that for me, but yeah.

Very, very good. And wash my hands before I enter the house, or, or no, usually when I enter the house, yeah. Wash my hands. Yeah,

[00:19:45] Diane Matthews: wash your hands. And I liked what you said about even requesting some, uh, breakfast casserole. Yes. So you could feed breakfast and lunch and, and, because sometimes the dinners don't you, you don't finish them.

Right. But breakfast can be, [00:20:00] uh, a lunch, Anna. So a great mid-morning snack? Yes. For a new mom. Great. Yeah. Let's talk about just food preparation.

[00:20:08] Leslie Corbell: Yeah. It's, I can think about, you know, now you're gonna go to the grocery store, you know, so you're gonna really have to schedule that out. Mm-hmm. Uh, when it's easiest for you, if there's someone else who can watch.

Well, yeah. Are you gonna do okay? Yeah. You

[00:20:22] Diane Matthews: know, now there's delivery and pickup. Yeah. I mean, it's so different than when we That's true. Were there, so that's easier.

[00:20:29] Leslie Corbell: Yeah.

[00:20:29] Diane Matthews: But. Let's talk about when we were younger. Remember, we had to go uphill both ways in the snow for everything. Just just to get a, just

[00:20:39] Leslie Corbell: to get a gallon of milk.

Just to get a

[00:20:41] Diane Matthews: gallon of milk. But you know what, back then I do remember driving through Brahms. To get milk and eggs and bread. 'cause that was the only spot you could get things to drive through. I had had a friend who did that. I didn't ever, yeah. It was the only place I could do that. Mm-hmm. There was no other place that you could, okay.

So you can That's funny order.

[00:20:59] Leslie Corbell: That's true. [00:21:00] That's true. So, hey, that's, that's you. That makes it a lot easier. Yeah. And

[00:21:03] Diane Matthews: deliver, although it cost more so, but just to have things in your freezer that can be quick. And even in that meal train request. Some frozen meals mm-hmm. That you can just pull out. Just quick, nutritious, easy things.

I liked I'm, I'm a little bit, I would get energy sometimes after the kids went to bed, so I liked being able to go. To Walmart or wherever after the kids went down. So that was kind of an outing for me so I could go and be by myself and do some shopping and come home and put it all away. So once that six to eight weeks is over, that may be an enjoyable little outing to go do your grocery shopping.

[00:21:45] Leslie Corbell: I think my little outing was always getting up at five to go work out. And getting back home in time for the while my husband was still home and getting back home in time.

[00:21:55] Diane Matthews: Well, I would encourage to read books about new siblings. There's a lot [00:22:00] out there. You can read it to the baby and to your older child.

Yeah. And

[00:22:05] Leslie Corbell: that's a wonderful way to prepare and also keep that up, that connection. Yeah. Keep up that connection time. That is great. I think praying for one another, helping the older child pray for the. Infant, praying for the whole family coming together and praying is a mm-hmm. Always to remember to do that and pray with your spouse so that you can think about what that routine's gonna be.

Mm-hmm. So you really have a clear, both of you on the same page, working together for the family.

What a celebration it is to be bringing another baby into your family, and we just encourage you to enjoy this time, embrace every little piece of it that comes along as you celebrate this gift.

[00:22:52] Diane Matthews: If there are difficulties, and if you are struggling and not enjoying it. Don't hesitate. [00:23:00] Contact somebody that, you know, can walk through that with you and help you and maybe get some help that you need.

A lot of people do struggle, so don't feel bad about that. Let's pray. Lord, we thank you for life and for new life and uh, just all the many blessings that you give us. Help us be grateful for you and for your word and for order. That you assign to this creation and that you want us to bring into our families.

Thank you for our children and our families, and it's in your name we pray, Jesus. Amen.

[00:23:39] Leslie Corbell: Thanks for listening. Check out our Instagram at the Mind of a Child Pod, or you can email us at the Mind of a Child podcast@gmail.com.