The Mind of a Child

[00:00:00] Leslie Corbell: Hello, I'm Leslie Dudley Corbell. And I'm Diane Doucette Matthews, welcome to the Mind of a Child.

[00:00:14] Diane Matthews: Diane, what are we gonna talk about today? We are gonna talk about just the slippery slopes and the danger of following different parenting trends, and we're going to use the example of gentle parenting.

[00:00:28] Leslie Corbell: Yeah. And there are a lot, you look on Instagram, you Google anything. You're gonna find so many different types of parenting philosophies, whether it's.

[00:00:36] Leslie Corbell: General parenting, conscious discipline, attachment, parenting, free range parenting. There's so many different, there are attached mm-hmm. To different philosophies that it can be overwhelming and it can also entice you to go down a path. So we do wanna talk about, kind of expose some of these for

[00:00:55] Diane Matthews: mm-hmm.

[00:00:56] Leslie Corbell: The lies that you may begin to believe through them. And then [00:01:00] talk about some truths that you might apply in your parenting that come from the word I. I think one reason we wanna talk about that so much, it's man's knowledge falls so short of the wisdom of God.

[00:01:13] Diane Matthews: Mm-hmm.

[00:01:14] Leslie Corbell: There are theories, their philosophies, they're not, they change as the world changes.

[00:01:20] Leslie Corbell: And so they're not gonna let offer you a lasting wisdom. That the Bible does.

[00:01:25] Diane Matthews: That's right. It's kind of funny. There's always, like we, what you just said, there's always something new, especially in this age of information or age of intelligence. Um, I know personally I love chat, GPT, so we know it's allure for all of us to search, to just find out some information or some knowledge about something.

[00:01:47] Diane Matthews: So in parenting it's the same way. Sometimes it's easier just to. Uh, wow. I'm having a parenting issue or a parenting problem. I'm just gonna, you know, step on my computer. 'cause we're at [00:02:00] our phones and our computers every day I'll just get on there, ask the question, see what it says, and it'll just pull you right in there.

[00:02:06] Diane Matthews: Uh, and a lot of times as Christians, we can get pulled into. Um, gentle parenting pops up quickly because gentle is a fruit of the spirit. And, you know, we get pulled there. Well, okay, this sounds good. Let's go. You know, and it is a very popular one still today, which kind of surprises me, but it sells itself as, uh, a very respectful, uh, parenting philosophy and.

[00:02:35] Diane Matthews: It talks about, um, empathy and not compassion. Empathy is not in the Bible, but compassion is, they're very different. Compassion has action. Empathy doesn't, but that's another subject that maybe you'll talk about in just a minute. But, um. It, it emphasizes finding out about your child's feelings and emotions and, you know, constantly going there.

[00:02:59] Diane Matthews: Well, [00:03:00] that will leave a parent exhausted. Just constantly negotiating through feelings and, and how do you feel about this? And not really having strong guidelines. And then also another thing that instructs parents to be, you know, perfectly. Calm, you know, self-regulated and just, you know, having that sense of calm, well, who can do that?

[00:03:25] Diane Matthews: You know, that's another burnout. It's another way that parents become burned out. And one of the biggest problems with gentle parenting, and I don't know if Christian parents realize this, but it, the, the premise is based on. Children being good, they are born good. They don't have that sin nature. And so with that, at the foundation, you, you're not parenting your children the way, well, you're parenting your children totally different than the way God really wants you to parent your [00:04:00] children.

[00:04:00] Diane Matthews: So there's so many subtle lies there. So just even in that little search. On Instagram or, you know, chat, GPT or any, any way you are gonna go look at things, you're gonna, you're gonna be drawn the wrong direction. So that was long, but you understand what I'm saying? Well,

[00:04:18] Leslie Corbell: I think what you're painting a picture of is, it's a, it's, it sounds almost good, it almost, right?

[00:04:22] Leslie Corbell: Mm-hmm. But it's a counterfeit, it's of what we know is true, even, you know. The risso philosophy of, of children, basically. Good. I mean there, there are, it's, it's manmade thought, trying to make sense mm-hmm. Of human nature. Mm-hmm. But we know that God knows human nature. God created us.

[00:04:39] Diane Matthews: That's

[00:04:39] Leslie Corbell: right. So he is the author and source that we wanna go to, you know, so just even thinking about the empathy part.

[00:04:47] Leslie Corbell: Maybe the word empathy is not in the Bible, but as you said, compassion definitely is, and we know that that virtues such as, you know, carrying others' burdens mm-hmm. But carrying your own load. We [00:05:00] know Jesus felt was troubled when he saw Mary, when, when Lazarus had died. So there are those ideas of, of carrying the feelings or feeling the feelings of others.

[00:05:14] Leslie Corbell: But the difference is, there's two big differences I wanna talk about. One is that for number one, we're not. That's not the focus. And I think sometimes the gentle parenting makes that the focus of it. And so then it does breed chaos and disorder because we're lost in these feelings that aren't true and aren't lasting, but we, we let them be, it more of a guide than that they may maybe are meant to be.

[00:05:39] Leslie Corbell: So I think that's one big problem. And I think another thing that you didn't mention that is a problem with. Things like gentle parenting. When, when there's so much focus on the parent to do these things, is the fear Yes. That it develops in the parent? And I think, and think, we'll talk about that a little bit more too, because that's a big, the, the fear and the pressure on the parent, you must [00:06:00] do this right, or you're gonna mess up your child.

[00:06:01] Leslie Corbell: Well,

[00:06:02] Diane Matthews: it's a to-do method. You, you, you are gonna do it. All the pressure's on you. And that's so opposite of what the Bible teaches. And as Christians, what we. Or, or, or relying on, we're relying on the, you know, the Holy Spirit or God, you know, to help us do these things. And we re we trust him to help us.

[00:06:24] Diane Matthews: But all these methods and strategies are, you know, you're in control. You can do this. You know, just, you know, get, get there and do this method, do this strategy. And that can be very frustrated and very exhausting.

[00:06:38] Leslie Corbell: Yeah.

[00:06:39] Diane Matthews: You know.

[00:06:40] Leslie Corbell: And when we parent, when, when we, of course, as you said, it's enticing to parent.

[00:06:45] Leslie Corbell: It's enticing to parent with love. We want to parent with love. But the other weakness is that love without truth is not love.

[00:06:53] Diane Matthews: Yes.

[00:06:54] Leslie Corbell: And so we want to pay equal attention to the foundation of [00:07:00] truth that we're building our love on with our children.

[00:07:02] Diane Matthews: Yeah. And when the, when the days get hard and long, we can't.

[00:07:06] Diane Matthews: Keep that up in and of ourselves. Mm-hmm. You know, that's when it just gets exhausting. So,

[00:07:13] Leslie Corbell: yes, I, I do want to read a quote about truth and love from Paul David Trip.

[00:07:21] Diane Matthews: Mm-hmm.

[00:07:21] Leslie Corbell: He says that truth isn't mean and love isn't dishonest. They are two sides of the same righteous agenda that longs for the spiritual we welfare of another.

[00:07:30] Leslie Corbell: Truth not spoken in love ceases to be truth because it gets bent and twisted by other human agendas and love that abandons. The truth ceases to be love because it forsakes what is best for the person. When it has been corrupted by other motives. And so after all, consider that Jesus tells us the bad news we need to hear, so we will hear the good news we desperately need.

[00:07:51] Leslie Corbell: So the one thing I think that we find in this biblical parenting that we encourage parents to seek is that truth and love [00:08:00] serve one another perfectly. And as parents. We want to parent from them both,

[00:08:04] Diane Matthews: right? Yes.

[00:08:05] Leslie Corbell: And so that's where I think some of these parenting philosophies fall short, is they don't push that extra, extra piece of we have to seek truth.

[00:08:15] Diane Matthews: Yeah. You used the word perfectly earlier. It's counterfeit. I mean, it just, it's almost truth and it, and it almost. It sounds good, but it's gonna wear you at, it's just gonna wear you at, 'cause you can't do it in and of yourself. You know, here's a, it's, it's an example I thought of, but it's, um, just go with me for a second.

[00:08:36] Diane Matthews: It's like you buy a new lawnmower. Well, we don't, you know, our husbands hopefully are mowing the yard, unless you really love to, but, okay, so you buy a new yard lawnmower and you don't have any instructions. And so the only person that is available to give you, uh, instructions about it is someone who hates the out the, out the, you know, yard work.

[00:08:58] Diane Matthews: Doesn't know anything about [00:09:00] a lawnmower, and doesn't like to mow. He's given you methods and strategies about this lawnmower. Well, that makes no sense. I mean, what he's telling you makes no sense. And so you're frustrated and, and that's the way it is with these outside counterfeit. Strategies and methods and philosophies on parenting.

[00:09:22] Diane Matthews: They're gonna work maybe for a little while, but they're gonna leave us frustrated and empty and exhausted. And so I think that's what our, what we started out with today. We just want to encourage you, especially as a Christian, to don't be fooled into thinking that all these different parenting philosophies are going to just satisfy you and.

[00:09:48] Diane Matthews: Allow you to get to your child's heart. You know, like I mentioned before, chat, GPT was good for my health. Well, it's not good for your child's heart. It's not something that you [00:10:00] need to rely on for your child's heart.

[00:10:06] Leslie Corbell: One other piece that I think we wanted to talk about was the idea of self-regulation and co-regulation. Oh,

[00:10:11] Diane Matthews: yes,

[00:10:12] Leslie Corbell: yes. Which is another big part of many of the parenting philosophies that you'll find out there. And so they, the base strategies on that, on a physiological change that you can make in yourself Yes.

[00:10:24] Leslie Corbell: In order to mm-hmm. Change the physiological state of the child. But, you know, I would just think. Urge that it's really more of a spiritual thing that we're working in here, rather than just a purely physiological Right. We're not talking about just the day.

[00:10:42] Diane Matthews: Mm-hmm.

[00:10:42] Leslie Corbell: Um, and so you, as you said, you know, it's not something you can manufacture on your own.

[00:10:46] Leslie Corbell: Mm-hmm. Maybe you can one day when you're thinking about it, maybe a second day, but it's not a sustained change. It's not sustainable. That's right. It's not a change of the heart, so. And I think that's one of the core [00:11:00] problems of parenting from these styles and philosophies, rather than seeking help from the source himself.

[00:11:07] Leslie Corbell: Yeah.

[00:11:07] Diane Matthews: Yeah. Um, and you said, uh, oh, I've gone blank for a second. I'm gonna stop. Uh, 'cause you said something and I really wanted to respond to it the very beginning. Well,

[00:11:18] Leslie Corbell: it

[00:11:18] Diane Matthews: won't, oh, the regulation. Here, let me, let me, uh, self-regulate it. Um. Because, you know, we have, we do know that breathing and self-regulating that way, breathing, breathing exercises can really calm you down in, in moments.

[00:11:36] Diane Matthews: Mm-hmm. But to sustain that peace and that calm, uh, can only come from, you know, spending time with the Lord. And, you know. Praying and asking him to calm your heart, you know, so you can regulate, but it's, it's, I wouldn't even use that word, you know, 'cause it, it, it communicates something that's not really [00:12:00] founded in what God teaches.

[00:12:03] Diane Matthews: Yeah. And I think we can re, the, the, the beautiful

[00:12:05] Leslie Corbell: thing about it is that the spirit generalizes this peace that we receive from the Lord. In one situation one day.

[00:12:15] Diane Matthews: Mm-hmm.

[00:12:16] Leslie Corbell: When it's the Holy Spirit at work, he's working that same work in us and the same fruit in us other days.

[00:12:25] Diane Matthews: Yeah.

[00:12:26] Leslie Corbell: In in other situations.

[00:12:27] Leslie Corbell: Yeah.

[00:12:27] Diane Matthews: Breathing's not gonna do it all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:12:30] Leslie Corbell: But it

[00:12:30] Diane Matthews: does help sometimes. So, and then we were gonna talk about control.

[00:12:38] Leslie Corbell: Yes. Because another problem with these ideas, the whole, and this is where I think the pressure comes in on parents, is this idea of I can do this for my children. I can control my children if I just do these things just right.

[00:12:53] Leslie Corbell: Right. That I will be able to control them and, and that is also a lot. [00:13:00]

We both said it the same time. It's a lot.

[00:13:03] Leslie Corbell: Yeah. We can influence and encourage, but ultimately. The child does become increasingly independent. Yeah, it has itself will, but parents are afraid of messing up and damaging the children. And so the parenting out of fear, God wants us to fear him, not our parenting.

[00:13:21] Diane Matthews: Mm-hmm.

[00:13:22] Leslie Corbell: So maybe you did grow up with harsh expectations. From your parents. And so you're entering into your parenting with a desire to not do that. Mm-hmm. I don't wanna be a harsh parent. And so for help that lasts in that situation, read the Bible.

[00:13:40] Diane Matthews: Mm-hmm.

[00:13:40] Leslie Corbell: Spend time in the word and in prayer, let God transform you.

[00:13:46] Diane Matthews: Mm-hmm.

[00:13:46] Leslie Corbell: And then lead you and your parenting. Okay. So just a little bit of

[00:13:52] Diane Matthews: explanation. Mm-hmm. So it sounded like you said, and I'm kind of being the devil's adv advocate here, uh, that [00:14:00] there's, uh, we have no control over the behavior in the future of our children. So would you say that's a true statement?

[00:14:09] Leslie Corbell: Yes. Okay. I would say that's a true

[00:14:11] Diane Matthews: statement. So, so let's talk about that a little. I believe that too, but mm-hmm. So let's talk about that and explain that a little bit more. I mean, I know you and I have talked about being a steward

[00:14:20] Leslie Corbell: Yes. Where

[00:14:21] Diane Matthews: God's place to set as stewards over our children. But let's, let's talk about that a little bit more.

[00:14:27] Diane Matthews: What does that look like?

[00:14:29] Leslie Corbell: God has lent them to us to teach them, to train them, to disciple them, to encourage them, to bring them up in his wisdom and instruction.

[00:14:36] Diane Matthews: Mm-hmm. To love them.

[00:14:37] Leslie Corbell: Yeah. To love them. Mm-hmm. Yes. And they are humans with free choice. And it will be the work of the spirit and through him that does change their hearts.

[00:14:48] Diane Matthews: That's right. And um, we are to be godly examples. I've heard it said this, we teach what we know. But we reproduce what we are.

[00:14:58] Leslie Corbell: Mm-hmm.

[00:14:59] Diane Matthews: You know, [00:15:00] so that's, that's a pretty profound, um. I guess sentence or quote, uh, like you said, they have free choice, but with that as parents, it doesn't mean that children have free reign.

[00:15:12] Diane Matthews: No

[00:15:13] Leslie Corbell: free choice. And that way we, we never put

[00:15:15] Diane Matthews: boundaries or expectations. Authority.

[00:15:18] Leslie Corbell: Authority is here too.

[00:15:19] Diane Matthews: Parental authority is up there. Yeah. But we can't make them correct. Uh. Okay. So if, if there's people that are listening, then they don't understand what that means, just write in those questions. We would love to answer them.

[00:15:32] Diane Matthews: So, uh, so let's talk about, uh, a little bit of the fear of the Lord.

[00:15:37] Leslie Corbell: Yeah. 'cause I think in our, in our parenting then, because of the idea that we have no choice, I mean, we have no control over our children. We do need to cling to a reverential fear of the Lord. And pray for our children and trust him with their growth and development.

[00:15:54] Diane Matthews: Right? And God doesn't want us to, uh, or you know, scripture, God's word, God. He, he doesn't want [00:16:00] us to live in fear of we might make a mistake or, you know, the cons of the consequences of his parenting or whatever we're gonna mess up. So he wants us to fear him. So I'm gonna read this, uh, quote. This, that's not quote, it's a proverb.

[00:16:15] Diane Matthews: Proverbs nine 20, the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and the knowledge of the holy one is understanding. So, you know, talk about that And then, um, just the fear that we've talked about all those things rooted in, in fear. So how do those go together? How do you see those meshing together?

[00:16:33] Leslie Corbell: Well, I, I looked, I did some research and some theology to try to really understand what the fear of the Lord is.

[00:16:39] Leslie Corbell: Mm-hmm. And this is what I came up with. Um, the fear of the Lord carries an eternal perspective. So we understand when we're parenting from this, we understand that our lives belong to him to do his holy work. It's not our work, it's his, his work. Mm-hmm.

[00:16:54] Diane Matthews: Amen.

[00:16:55] Leslie Corbell: And that we will one day be in his presence to give an accounting of our days to him and.[00:17:00]

[00:17:00] Leslie Corbell: That day will come. So it's this eternal perspective, this fear. We are small and he is mighty.

[00:17:07] Diane Matthews: Mm-hmm.

[00:17:08] Leslie Corbell: But it also, not only do we look forward to eternity, we're also looking back in this fear of the Lord. We look back to Jesus and we in his work on the cross, and we see that his work, so the, the fear of the Lord carries a sense of his.

[00:17:30] Leslie Corbell: Mercy.

[00:17:31] Diane Matthews: Mm-hmm.

[00:17:31] Leslie Corbell: His forgiveness and ultimately his salvation. So when we parent in that fear of the Lord, we don't have fear because there, there we know. We know the end of the story.

[00:17:45] Diane Matthews: Yeah. And when you were saying that, I'm thinking, uh, we know the end of the story, but we know past, present, and future. Mm-hmm.

[00:17:51] Diane Matthews: We know the whole story. Yeah. You know, and that in itself will give us that peace and confidence and that confidence in the Lord. That that's, that's beautiful. [00:18:00] So, uh, and also when we fear the Lord, which that's a good fear, it's the beginning of wisdom and knowledge. Uh, we wanna follow his instructions and, uh, he knows what's best for us.

[00:18:12] Diane Matthews: And I, I think you have a little bit to say about that and then we're gonna go and just show some examples out of the book of Ephesians. Yeah.

[00:18:19] Leslie Corbell: So man's answers, as we've mentioned, were, are always changing. They change as the culture changes the times, but God's God's answer is eternal and is, uh, the very foundation we want to rest in.

[00:18:35] Leslie Corbell: That's right.

[00:18:40] Diane Matthews: I loved reading this and doing some research and finding out these instructions for family life and parenting out of the book of Ephesians. Uh, this just walks through the book of Ephesians. So first, children are called to obey their parents. Ephesians six, one, honoring parents, uh, is a lifelong [00:19:00] commandment out of Ephesians six, two through three.

[00:19:04] Diane Matthews: Parents must not provoke their children. I know we've seen that happen from time to time. Ephesians six, four. You wanna read the, A few

[00:19:16] Leslie Corbell: parents are responsible for spiritual training. Ephesians six, four, and parents should reflect Christ-like love. Ephesians four, three. So all of,

[00:19:26] Diane Matthews: yeah, there's two parents are too much.

[00:19:28] Diane Matthews: The arts model, the Christian life, Ephesians five, one, and family should build, should be built on love and respect. Ephesians 5 51. So right there is, there's this some beautiful. Instructions from the word of God, direction that, I mean, he's got the instruction book. He knows, he knows what we need to do. So in short, you know, Christian Parenting combines authority.

[00:19:53] Diane Matthews: There is some authority here. Um, it's not just free range and moral teaching and [00:20:00] guidance of the child's heart. You know, that's a big piece. You know, we're, we're going to the heart.

[00:20:06] Leslie Corbell: So, and I think as you say that, I always think it's important to bring up and our parenting requires our heart.

[00:20:13] Diane Matthews: Oh.

[00:20:13] Leslie Corbell: To be always be changing and be oriented towards God,

[00:20:17] Diane Matthews: that's great

[00:20:18] Leslie Corbell: because it's not so much about what we say and do, it's about the heart.

[00:20:23] Leslie Corbell: Our heart as well.

[00:20:24] Diane Matthews: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And we pass on what we are, you know? Mm-hmm.

[00:20:29] Leslie Corbell: You know, so if you, if you're curious about trends, but, but want to come back to the truth, you know, what truths can we share? That we know some essential ones? Our nature is corrupted by sin. Our heart is wicked and deceitful.

[00:20:45] Leslie Corbell: There is grace available in Jesus. We are to bring our children up in the Lord. Amen. So those are some essential truths that can guide our parenting.

[00:20:55] Diane Matthews: Mm-hmm. And here's some essential hows, pray for our children? Share the [00:21:00] truth. Teach and direct children boundaries of Godly living. How do we live as, uh, set apart?

[00:21:07] Diane Matthews: Show it. Teach it, and direct. More Leslie

[00:21:11] Leslie Corbell: Exhort. Encourage reprove, admonish, teach, and do not stir up bitterness. Yeah, those are some real clear things.

[00:21:18] Diane Matthews: Yeah. There's so much here. Mm-hmm. And show God's character to them. Patience on changing peace and compassion. That's a big job. I mean, we can't do that in and of ourselves.

[00:21:27] Diane Matthews: It's not a to do job. It's a, you know, trust job and ask the Lord to help you job. Yeah.

[00:21:35] Leslie Corbell: Mm-hmm. I think it's important to remember that it's, it's not just behavior modification mm-hmm. That we're working on here. That we're not just trying to fix our child to get them to stop doing something or start doing something else.

[00:21:45] Leslie Corbell: That behavior and words spring forth from the heart. So the heart is really. What we're hoping to influence in the child.

[00:21:54] Diane Matthews: Mm-hmm.

[00:21:54] Leslie Corbell: And the heart. And the heart of the parent and the, and the child is what God is seeking. That's [00:22:00] right. Um, I think there's a verse. You have that. Yeah. Because you wanna read how is the heart of the parent as a child of God transformed, and of course, through the saving grace of Jesus Christ, faith alone and not by works.

[00:22:13] Leslie Corbell: So I wanted to share with. Everyone, a verse from two Peter one, five through nine for this very reason. Make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue and virtue with knowledge and knowledge. With self-control. And self-control. With steadfastness and steadfastness, with godliness. And godliness.

[00:22:32] Leslie Corbell: With brotherly affection. And brotherly affection, with love for if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For whoever lacks qualities is so nearsighted that he's blind having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins.

[00:22:56] Leslie Corbell: We want to be effective and fruitful as [00:23:00] parents knowledge of Jesus Christ. Our knowledge of Jesus Christ should be ever increasing, along with virtue and all of those other qualities that we mentioned in that list for that Peter mentions in those lists. So our message to you is to don't try to parent without drawing closer to Jesus.

[00:23:22] Leslie Corbell: Let that be your first step if you're seeking to grow in your parenting. Mm-hmm. Lord, we just thank you so much for the children that you have,

[00:23:31] Diane Matthews: um, allowed us to steward and you've lent them to us, to, uh, train them and love them and bring them up in the admonition and the love of you. Uh, we thank you for today.

[00:23:45] Diane Matthews: We thank you for this time that we've been able to. Hopefully remind and encourage parents to do the same, and it's in Jesus' name we pray. Amen.

[00:23:55] Leslie Corbell: Thanks for listening. Check out our Instagram at the Mind of a Child [00:24:00] Pod, or you can email us at the Mind of a Child podcast@gmail.com.